It is okay to be okay.

Who would of thought...

I can not express how odd it feels to feel okay.

I am slowly realizing that it has been a long, long time since I have felt good and well. For the last couple of years I was in a constant nervous scramble to please and satisfy someone who could not be satisfied. The guilt and judgement I have lived with has literally almost crippled me. While ranting on and on last night in therapy my therapist observed that I feel bad about feeling bad.

I have been beating myself up because I am so accustomed to be criticized. On the other hand however I also feel bad about feeling okay.

There are brief moments lately when I feel okay, I feel good, I feel like I am rebuilding and healing. I quickly convince myself that I am being delusional and that I am just pretending like I am okay but really I need to feel like shit because feeling like shit means that I am dealing with my pain.

IT JUST NOT TRUE> in fact... it is okay to feel okay.

(if even just for a fleeting moment)