#divableach

As of late, I have been drowning in work, notice the lack of posts. BUT I have so much to share.

I have recently discovered that I love bleaching out my own hair. I did it once about a month ago, I left it on for 3 hours and still had some yellowish spots and my scalp was burnt, but last night I discovered the most amazing product. It was $13 at Walgreens and never even warmed my scalp, only took like 45 minutes and my hair looks awesome! Even better it made me hair really silky and the dollops that landed on my shirt didn't bleach it out! WHAT??? I don't know this stuff is amazing.

Even in the middle of the a very crazy wedding season I felt these moments where I feel truly free to just be. To exsist, in a way I have never felt, I dont feel the need to live up to something I am not or portray an image or really over analyze what the Former would think about each and every move I make. I can just go the store, buy some bleach and slather it all over my head.

I think for the first time in my life I am really getting to know myself, I am not focusing on self improvement, or change, rather just navigating who I am inside, under all of this CRAP that has been my life. How do I really feel about things? Not how should I feel. Its a whole new world of understanding.

I went so quickly from high school (which was awesome but still formative years, also the worst part of my parents divorce was during my senior year, dramatic) to the mission field (living in India) and being married. Then to school at a college that had very different beliefs than my own, that laid on the pressure thick to conform, or be judged, and then the marriage becoming very destructive and eventually ending.

Now, I am working for myself, paying my bills and really just navigating life.

Turns out navigating is a lot more fun than it has been previously!

Two things really.

FIRST >>>

I finally found an oxford I like. They are so soft, really they feel more like a ballet flat. They are pure heaven, I have shot 2 weddings in them and my feet felt better at the end of the day than when wearing any other shoe. Also I look like I am up with trends even though it about kills me to wear a men's shoes. Its a love hate relationship... until you look at the price of just under $30 and then its ALLLL love!

SECOND >>>

Who out there knew about Al-Anon and failed to mention this to me?

I went to a meeting today with a friend, not knowing what I was walking into, I was invited last minute and thought I was there to support her. OH NO< Shit hit the fan, inside of me.

Please explain to me in the last 7 months of therapy, blogging, sleepless nights, balling my eyes out, reading self help books, and desperately trying to mourn and understand my dead marriage no one ever mention that the Former's drinking problem could have played into things.

The Former was a self proclaimed alcoholic and always made it out to be a joke, like 'oh he is just different', 'its not a problem, it is just the way he is'. I bought it, I loved him, I often tried to talk to him about it, or even make it a challenge to take a day off from drinking, but I always got the same response. I spent years trying to remedy a depression, a depression that was never associated with his drinking. I jumped through hoops, I forced my self to buy into his disillusionment, I covered for him, I made life work, I made it okay, I never let anyone know that I wasn't okay with it, I tried to drink too, I took on more and more responsibility and desperately tried to convinience myself that it was fine.

I am an enabler.

I enabled my Former to lead the life he did.

I don't know much about Al-Anon, I spent an hour with complete strangers today and I don't think I have ever felt like any one group of people have understood me more.