Diva Bleach #2

Though I have died my hair multiple times since my last diva bleach post, its always more fun to do it with a girl friend!

Cheers to...

-Beyonce music videos

-pop corn

-untouched bottles of whiskey

-space heaters and no clean in air in small rooms

-being silly and loving life!

In due time.

I am starting to find it comical that I even have expectations for myself. It seems I never meet them, or when I do its not in the time frame I had created. I realize now that everything that has happened in the last 10 months was once on one of my infamous "todo" lists... and now it has come to pass. More than just realizing, I am accepting that someone knows me, knows my heart and know my needs.

So as the holidays come to a peaceful close, my heart is warm and full. I am in a good place and okay with where things stand... I look forward to these next hurdles, take a deep breathe and know its all in due time.

This allows me to stop my wiggle and my wrestle and simply enjoy.

Some things just come along... like these beauties.

Driving home I stopped at the Zappo's clearence center in Shepardsville, Kentucky. A stop that can take a couple hours of digging, trying on and trying to figure prices. Not this time. I walked in... walked to my size and found these... then purchased them for 60% off.

Sometimes its nice when things just come easily... its been a while.

Thank you.

NYE outfit.

I have been crumpled.

This morning I woke up and did the things I normally do, put on a pot of water for the coffee press, brush my teeth, make my bed, clean up a bit and then start working on the computer. Shortly there after I received a call to run errands for a mountain lady. I need the cash so I headed out the door and into the pouring rain. Once in my car I realized there was a giant red heart on my window... in spray paint!

bah... if enough things weren't cosmetically wrong with my car... (its wrecked down the side, dented in the back and has been crashed in the front.... all not my fault... and my car is only 3 years old. boo)

Upon further investigation I found a peace sign on the license plate and what appears to be a mushroom on the hatch back. As the day went on I hit a few more bumps, one being a rather awful conversation with the Former, where he clarified how little he cared for or respected me.

I felt simply deflated, overwhelmed and defeated. I had no more to give, no more push left, I could do nothing but weep in my car. After a good pep talk from my friend I finished the errands and headed home. I stumbled in the door, with my arms full of stuff and found a big brown box... on it a note that read...

After such a crummy day I wasn't even exited at first... then I thought it might be chocolate and that would be really nice. I opened it to find with dream camera and two lenses.

I fell backwards into the wall and began to cry. To scream. To scream and cry. I lost all control of my breathing and my heart fell out of my butt. I just cried and cried and cried.

Then I realized it wasn't real and that I needed to talk to someone to know that it was really happening, I called chelsey, my dad, my mom, my sister... no answer.... it was in fact fake!!! Then I called heidi... it was real. Then I called Katelynd and she told me someone had dropped it off at the house just an hour before!!!

It was really real.

Thank you, who ever you are, I do not deserve this, and I am not sure why you chose to spend your money on me. Please know that you have changed my life, in ways I can not explain, my heart is broken and humbled, I am so grateful for your kindness.

Also if you want it back I will understand.

My first holiday card alone!

Tis' the season for charity!

#sundaydivadrives

TRENDING>

not really... but I do love them. This weekend I stumbled across a vintage tandem bicycle for a great price.

The steering is a little wacky so we were scared to take it on the main road and drive it home, but we did drive it in circles in this parking lot to get the hang of it. The temperature was perfect out, we got into a good rhythm and even better conversation. Before we knew an entire hour had passed.

Its bike rides like these after long weekends with good friends that make all the bad days worth it. To let your mind be set completely free of strain and stress, move your feet at the same pace as someone dear to you and just breathe... I wouldn't trade my #sundaydivadrives for the world.

#divasdoitbetter

The Single Holiday season!

I have not let much slow me down in my newly single life. I decided the holidays would be same! Rather than sit around feeling sorry for myself that I would be alone and single through the holidays for the first time in almost a decade... I decided to celebrate!

This is my new family and love them. I am making new traditions with myself and moving on. I am learning to do things on my own and actually enjoying it!

This is my first tree as a single lady, her name is Franny and she is a Fur!

Chelsey and I got in Santa's slay at the tree lot, hahaha!!!

Then a friend Duane came over and helped us decorate the tree and hang up lights outside. We put on the Christmas tunes, had winter lagar, and I made hot apple cider with whiskey and honey! Yum!

So bring on the Christmas cheer because I refuse to be sad!

Looking back, pausing, stepping forward.

I had the pleasure of running into the Former and his girl friend over the weekend. I reacted calmly and asked if I could speak with her... she agreed and we stepped outside. The conversation went well, and as I had expect it was the girl he was seeing when we were married. Though he continually denied anything was going on between them, a woman should always trust her instincts...

Though it could have gone horribly bad, it didn't. She was calm and let me talk, she asked me questions and I answered. Overall, it went well.

I now however feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest.

As I pause and reflect over the last 281 days I know I have done the right thing and that I am in a good place. The progress I have made in my personal life and my business come from my decision to handle this with good friends and counseling. To be intentional with each day.

For the first time since I moved out, I read the letter I wrote to everyone when I moved into the camper announcing that our marriage was probably over unless there were some big changes with the Former (needless to say he never even realized he needed to change).

I still stand by my letter and I am actually shocked at how calm and level headed I sound... I felt far from it!

So here it is...

Okay, know from the begining of this letter, that I should be talking to you in person or on the phone, BUT I am chicken and I just cant face anyone right now. I need you to know that I love you, and that anything about my personal life I ever kept from you was to protect you. I have always thought to carry my own load was to spare those that I love the trouble of dealing with my issues and their own. I am so sorry for this. I am slowly learning that I am wrong. That my family and friends are there for me. There are many ways I could explain what I need to tell you right now but I am just going to give it you straight and then explain.

Beejay is leaving me. This is the absolute last thing I want. I disagree. I have spent atleast a year now trying to convience him to stay, to love me, to work at our relationship, to invest into us, but I have had no response and things have only gotten worse. Much worse. Yesterday, with the help of my dear friends, I moved out of our home and into the winnebago. I am now writting you this letter from my friends driveway in St. Elmo(at the foot of the mtn.) I am parked on a slight hill, but its okay, I have the lamp on and the window open, I am listening to the birds sing and I am parked next to a giant dog wood. I look foreward to this blossoming and really it reminds me of a Granny, I can still remember the day she explained to me how the markings on the flowers are the markings of Christ. I have loved this tree ever since.

I have moved out because

1. He has asked me to, also told me he is leaving me many times, and I have just continued to fight for our marraige and chase after him. I have been trying to please him to make him happy, to make him feel good again and be happy. I have been working so hard for his approval and I just can not obtain it. I have been reading marraige books, going to therapy, and overall just doing anything I think that will make him happy again. Nothing is working. Our counselor reccommended that beejay fo see a doctor and believes hat beejay has been suffering from and living untreated with bi-polor disease and an anxiety disorder. These things have caused him to be manic. This is played out in his regular weekends away, his binge drinking, (very mild)drug use and over all disregard for responsibility. In his manic state I have been trying to keep his life from falling apart. My therapist explained to me that by doing the dishes, the laundry, keeping the house clean, running all of the errons, by paying the bills and keep track of the money I have made it only easier for him to do whatever he pleases without thought, because there are no consiquences. No matter what he does I have just been there waiting for him at home, waiting for him to come home and of missed me, approve of how clean the house was or celebrate the hard work I had done. But the more he ignored me the harder i have tried. The anxiety of what he think about my every move and the longing and desperation for his approval has practically driven me to the looney bin. I am not my self, I am drowning, I am working at a marraige that someone threw away years ago.... I am in denail. I am an enabler. I am co-dependent. I am a mess.

2. I am leaving because I have been metaphorically walking towards beejay while he was walking away for a long time. I believe you should walk in the direction you want to go. I want to be married to beejay no matter what happens, I want him to be okay, even happy. I want to live with him and be with him and deal with his shit with him. I want Beejay in my life. But I have realized that I am only making things worse. by chasing him, I am making him resent me. He has started to push me away and be mean to me. He told me that he was being mean so that I would leave. My moving out was not intended to be walking away from him. I am only stepping out. I am not walking in a specific direction YET. I am just stepping away from the situation. This is what beejay wants, this is what my friends who love me dearly have advised, and this is what our marraige counselor has told me to think about doing. THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT> but it is what I have to do. I have to be logical. I am in a marraige alone. Loving a man who has no interest in me. Because of this a strong girl has become weak, I have no understanding of my worth or who I can trust. I am beat down I am broken and I am growing weary... I am struggling.

3.I am leaving because I have no idea what else todo. I have begged, I have pleaded with beejay to work on our relationship together, to let me just stay near him, to just put a dot of effort into our relationship, I have read marraige books, seperation books, divorce books, books about love and grace. I have sought counsel. I have worked my ass off trying to do all of the things he asks of me. I have taken jobs to please him, I have quit many jobs to pelase him. I have cried, I have screamed and I am honesly out of ideas.

Once when I was little the lady in our neighborhood at the end of the circle was out playing basketball with her husband. I asked why. She told me that she had been trying to get him to help her clean the house and all he wanted to do was to go outside and play basket ball. She said, "If you can't beat'em, join'em." I can not change beejay. I can not make him want to get better, I can not make him deal with his issures, nor can I force him to engage me or let me into what he is going through. I can not make him better. I can not fix him, I can not control him. He has proven that. I am now waving a white flag in the air. I am at a loss.

My heart hurts, my soul hurts. I am broken and confused. I dont want this. I am not sure how I got here. All I know is that I have to work with what I have. My hopes are that this change may cause beejay to want to change, and with a TON of counseling we will be able to be together in the future. I want to hold him, I want to love him, I want to know that he has no reason to throw away his life. I want to stay with him, but I dont want to enable him, and I dont want him to help him to continue to become this person he is not. He is a changed man for the worse. I believe that his desire to be away from me has caused to act out and be hurtful. He is under it all the man of my dreams, a man who loves. I am not sure how he has gotten to be the person he is now but I know that I am to blame. By no means do I think that I am merely a victim. I am not sure how, I dont understand but I know that it took 2 to create and it probably took 2 to break our marraige. My understanding of this will come in time.

In my current state, I need you to simply love me. Please dont judge me. I am not ready to talk about this yet. I can not sit on the phone and explain. The best way for me to communicate with you is through a letter. I need you to write me if you have any questions or advice. I am sorry I just cant talk on the phone or in person about this yet. I am sorry. I just need time. This is the hardest letter I have ever written, I am crying even now. I feel like I have failed all of you. I took my vows seriously and I feel like moving out was breaking them but its NOT> I stand by beejay even though I am staying a few miles away. I believe in him and I love him with everything I am. I am so sorry that I have kept my struggle a secret for so long. But this is where I am.

I am here.

I just need you to understand that my decision to step away for a while came after many cries, talks, months and months of thinking, seeking counsel and reading. This decision was not made in haste, nor was it made in anger. I love beejay and I want to go be with him even now. It is taking everything I have to not drive home and just hug him. I know that I have to do this. I hope it is temporary, but my fear is that beejay will never love again. Here is to the future, what ever it may hold. I need you to have love, understanding and hope for me. That is all I can ask.

I love you.

Jaime

There is candy in my storm!

I am so thankful that I am able to learn and grow in life surrounded by people who care. Somedays though, the storm seems a little to crazy, a little wild and unruly. I am slowly realizing that the storm knows I am in it... the storm has regard for me.

As I trudge through what is my life and lift the weight of my own body constantly shifting it forward I begrudgingly accept that things are not always the way I want them to be but they are always good.

Some things are just good.

(mine in just a few short days!)

I am not in control << BUT PLEASE don't tell me that!

The events that have come to pass in the recent week have shaken me up like never before. By all means, I have become very comfortable with grief, pain, sadness and depression.

Maybe a little to comfortable. My dear friend Chelsey pointed out to me its easy to find that place, even though its not the best, very comfortable. It has become such apart of how we view ourselves that it become safe.

I think that I, more than anyone else, have been marking myself with a scarlet letter. I feel like I walk around as 'oh that divorced girl', 'the girl who couldn't keep her marriage together'.

I mean if your own husband can't love you... who can?

Recent days have knocked me FLAT ON MY ASS> to realize that I can feel something again. Something other that shame, guilt and sadness. To have butterflies for the first time since FN high school, to have someone tell me they think I am pretty, and enjoy being with me. I do however understand that this is no reason to jump into anything, or even jump to any conclusion.

In reality its just crazy to me, absolutely mind boggling that a male(or anyone really) could find me interesting, attractive or desirable. I have gone so long knowing that I am too heavy, too poor, too needy, too goofy, too girly, knowing for an absolute fact that I am unlovable.

This is a step forward I never saw coming, and refuse to not continue with the path I have been on what ever that may mean.

And in the most sensible way I give it only one purpose and that is the power to teach me.

I have to learn that change is okay.

I have to learn that I don't know what is going to happen and that is okay.

I have to KNOW that I can NOT understand everything.

Sometimes things don't make sense from this side(or even other I have learned) but that doesn't mean they can't be enjoyable.

Our Family Christmas Card!

Charming Snowflakes Holiday

Click here to browse Shutterfly's holiday card collection.

View the entire collection of cards.

#sundaydivadrives

The past couple of Sundays we have gone on bike rides. Riding bikes is one my favorite things in the world, I feel like a kid, free to go and be, off of the beaten track and completely in the moment.

These moments, these girls are what make the struggle enjoyable. I am not sure how people live with out best friends. Never again will I sacrifice a the strong relationships I have women in my life that empower me, understand and appreciate me for boy.

Never again.

Its like a time warp>>> I rejoice and then vomit.

So much has happened in the last three weeks,

I hate that I haven't been blogging, it honestly has a big impact on my life. This blog allows me to think out loud, to move forward and look back with new eyes.

It has been 8 and 1/2 months since I moved out of the Former's house and have been living life on my own, they have been hard and emotion but recently I have really felt okay, settled and some what at peace... until this jumble fuck of important days cam all strewn together.

and a few not so joyious conversation, with friends who want to tell me what the Former is up to... and I honestly feel my neck tighten up, the back of my head thump as I struggle to swallow and my heart sinks to bottom of my stomach pushing on my bladder, which then forces my whole life out of my butt.

It hurts so badly.

Then I cry,

My battle as of late is to stay focused... I feel sadness for the poor girl the Former has believing him. Even though I miss him with every once of my being and would do anything to have him back. I know going back to that life is not what is best. I know I have a whole life here for the taking that does not involve manipulation, guilt, shame, low self esteem, disillusionment, or someone telling me they love me when they really only love them self.

In slumps like these I lie to myself. I tell me self things I know are true but I don't honestly believe... Here is one for you...

There are men in the world who will love and appreciate me for who I am, they have the capacity to and will cherish my story not try to change it and value me as a beautiful, powerful, creative and caring woman.

#divableach

As of late, I have been drowning in work, notice the lack of posts. BUT I have so much to share.

I have recently discovered that I love bleaching out my own hair. I did it once about a month ago, I left it on for 3 hours and still had some yellowish spots and my scalp was burnt, but last night I discovered the most amazing product. It was $13 at Walgreens and never even warmed my scalp, only took like 45 minutes and my hair looks awesome! Even better it made me hair really silky and the dollops that landed on my shirt didn't bleach it out! WHAT??? I don't know this stuff is amazing.

Even in the middle of the a very crazy wedding season I felt these moments where I feel truly free to just be. To exsist, in a way I have never felt, I dont feel the need to live up to something I am not or portray an image or really over analyze what the Former would think about each and every move I make. I can just go the store, buy some bleach and slather it all over my head.

I think for the first time in my life I am really getting to know myself, I am not focusing on self improvement, or change, rather just navigating who I am inside, under all of this CRAP that has been my life. How do I really feel about things? Not how should I feel. Its a whole new world of understanding.

I went so quickly from high school (which was awesome but still formative years, also the worst part of my parents divorce was during my senior year, dramatic) to the mission field (living in India) and being married. Then to school at a college that had very different beliefs than my own, that laid on the pressure thick to conform, or be judged, and then the marriage becoming very destructive and eventually ending.

Now, I am working for myself, paying my bills and really just navigating life.

Turns out navigating is a lot more fun than it has been previously!

Two things really.

FIRST >>>

I finally found an oxford I like. They are so soft, really they feel more like a ballet flat. They are pure heaven, I have shot 2 weddings in them and my feet felt better at the end of the day than when wearing any other shoe. Also I look like I am up with trends even though it about kills me to wear a men's shoes. Its a love hate relationship... until you look at the price of just under $30 and then its ALLLL love!

SECOND >>>

Who out there knew about Al-Anon and failed to mention this to me?

I went to a meeting today with a friend, not knowing what I was walking into, I was invited last minute and thought I was there to support her. OH NO< Shit hit the fan, inside of me.

Please explain to me in the last 7 months of therapy, blogging, sleepless nights, balling my eyes out, reading self help books, and desperately trying to mourn and understand my dead marriage no one ever mention that the Former's drinking problem could have played into things.

The Former was a self proclaimed alcoholic and always made it out to be a joke, like 'oh he is just different', 'its not a problem, it is just the way he is'. I bought it, I loved him, I often tried to talk to him about it, or even make it a challenge to take a day off from drinking, but I always got the same response. I spent years trying to remedy a depression, a depression that was never associated with his drinking. I jumped through hoops, I forced my self to buy into his disillusionment, I covered for him, I made life work, I made it okay, I never let anyone know that I wasn't okay with it, I tried to drink too, I took on more and more responsibility and desperately tried to convinience myself that it was fine.

I am an enabler.

I enabled my Former to lead the life he did.

I don't know much about Al-Anon, I spent an hour with complete strangers today and I don't think I have ever felt like any one group of people have understood me more.

A little advice from my friend Ghia!

To all the girls who are in a hurry to have a boyfriend or get married,

a piece of Biblical advice:

" Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz."

While you are waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle for any of his relatives;

Broke-az, Po-az, Lyin-az, Cheating-az, Dumb-az, Drunk-az, Cheap-az, Lockedup-az, , Goodfornothing-az, Lazy-az, and especially his third cousin Beatinyo-az.

Wait on your Boaz and make sure he respects Yoaz....

All things will be made new >>> even PROM>

The last six months have been unreal. However the last month or so has been even completely different. I am no longer overwhelmed with intense emotion at all times. There are moments, on some days, that I can breathe. I often feel very very confused about life, the ins and outs of my days and how or what to think about anything.

How ever there are things about me that have NOT changed. One is my love for themed parties. The former and I hosted PROM at our house ever year. The first one started off when a girl lived with us who was home schooled and had never been to a prom so we threw one! It was so much fun! So from then on every spring we hosted the Bilbrey PROM! Complete with a keg, beer pong, dancing, and a photo booth. Four years in a row, but I can only find pictures from two.

Prom 2009

This year spring came around and I just couldn't get my act together enough to host a prom. It was sad to watch spring turn to summer and let a tradition die, but last night I had the joy of participating in a Second Chance PROM, to raise money for United Way to help victims of the tornados that hit our area back in April. Even though it wasn't "Bilbrey PROM", there was spiked punch, dancing, poofy dresses, and my photo booth.

Prom 2010

Its odd to me that memories are beginning to become layered. There are experiences I have had and places I have been only with the Former. As time passes I have those same experiences and go to those places on my own and in those moments all I can think of is him. I hate him that he ruined something beautiful, my heart hurts like I have never felt pain before and my nose burns. With a few deep breathes I can collect myself and make new memories.

Life is going on.

Prom 2011

Rather I like it or not, the world just keeps spinning. The next time I go to or host a prom, I won't only have to compare it "Bilbrey PROM", my prom memories have been layered and made new.

The Former may have ruined and broken a lot of things, but he no longer has that power in my life. I want to choose to keep on going. To move forward and allow things to be made new.

Thank you to divas in my life, for the love and support it takes to keep dancing!

The last time the night fell.

Night fall is one of my favorite events of the year. A few reasons really, it is not a bar but a great place to meet people, you can bring your dog, lots of beer and friendly people just hanging out in the city, and oh yeah there is some good music and dancing. Tonight was the last nightfall of the season and it was perfect.

This is the sun right before it completely hid behind the mountain.

This stage was decorate with balloons. Which I loved.

So my room mate Stephanie and I took one!!!! BUT late gave it to some children who asked... (boo)

Stephanie.

A total cutie.

What a wonderful evening with a wonderful roomie!

ALSO you may have noticed I got and iphone today!!!! HINT all of the instagram photographs!!! EEEEKS~~!!!!

Sailing.

There are red ships and blue ships,

that sail across the sea,

but the best ship is friendship,

that sails between you and me!

#allmydivasberockin'thosepumps

The perfect shoe for sailing!

Mess with the bull, and you get the horns.

I have the best friends.

My girls go up to bat for me and they are big hitters.

Tonight while gathered a table of women I love, we talked about relationships. The kind with ourselves, the kind with God, and with others. That table housed a couple of bottles of wine, high school french tests,a red pen, a six pack of beer, scratch paper, an ipod touch, menthol cigarettes, a good book or two, many dinners, and 10 beautiful women. The conversation was long, thoughtful and refreshingly honest. The love of my friends that they consistently display brings me to tears. It is absolutely humbling to be cherished by some of the worlds finest people and in turn be able to love and enjoy them.

The Spice Girls were right, "if you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends!"

Let me share an excerpt from a famous and well written letter...

"When you ask a truthful woman what her opinion is I suggest you start expecting the truth. The next time you take out a woman (and I can assure you it will certainly not be anyone I know because they will have already been forewarned) I can only hope that you will have taken a good hard look at yourself and they way you have chosen to treat women. Set your ego aside. Grow up. And move on good sir."

Good evening.

6 months

I have officially reached the 6 month mark of my newly found single life. They by far have been the most intense 6 months of my entire life, but at the same time, the self growth and discovery I have experienced has been monumental.

In the last 192 days I have

-Moved into a Winnebago

-Gone to therapy all but 3 weeks in the last 28

-Expanded my business and booked 19 weddings for 2011

-Got a job at a flower shop and quit

-Had a super cute and successful booth in a wedding expo

-Made a new best friend

-Went to the Kentucky Derby

-Learned how to smoke cigarettes and quit

-Went to the beach

-Saw Miranda Lambert live for free

-Booked 2 weddings for 2012

-Tubed down the Hiwasee and didn't get left there

-Got an iMac

-Rented a super cute house and moved out of the camper

-Saw Britney Spears in ATL for only $36

-Had my company rebranded to Our Ampersand Photography

-Built a new website

-Starting riding my bike

and through it all I have begun to realize that friends and family are the really bread & butter of life.

First Date = EPIC FAIL

In the last week I have been asked out by two guys, the second was a bit more persistent, so yesterday at therapy I threw out the idea. My therapist didn't act like it was the worst idea ever, so last night we made plans to have a drink. My therapist said if the desire to date is there and you think its okay, then it is okay.

There is no rule, or guideline, I am not going to get in trouble with God for dating within a certain time limit. That was refreshing to hear. I think often I put so many restrictions and limitations on my life that I find my self pinned in a corner, unsure of how to get out. These rules I enforce are self made and honestly crippling, so the idea of there not being a black and white answer felt good!

So I went home, threw a bit of fit over what to wear and bolted out the door. I met a my friend Donald out for a drink before hand to talk it over an get rid of nervous jitters. I built up the idea of a first date to the point that it was a big deal.... I shouldn't of.

Well let me tell you... it was probably the worst first date in the history of people dating.

10 things that should never EVER happen on a first date {but did}

1. Ask to meet at 11:00 pm

2. Postpone multiple times, and then show up late

3. Showing up 60 lbs. heavier than your most recent profile picture

4. Arriving drunk

5. Ordering a sissy drink

6. Touching my leg and arm awkwardly and at odd times in conversation

7. Asking me three times if I graduated from CSAS, after I kept explaining I didn't go to high school in Chattanooga, but I am from Kentucky

8.Taking a dip of tobacco at the bar and then spitting in your cup while trying to still carry conversation. (Excuse me while I vomit on you)

9. NOT PAYING

10. Asking me to drive your ass home.

Well, needless to say, the dating topic has been returned to the back burner, probably going to be left there for a LONG TIME>

The truth is...

The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny.
Albert Ellis

Dear Former,

love,

Jaime

Just to brag.

Even thought this is not a business blog I can not help but share some of the shots from a maternity shoot this weekend. My sister styled the shoot for her friend Katie, we had Jenna's great taste and clothes, a beautiful park to shoot in and very pleasant weather.