26 before 27. >>> #3

 # 3 on my list of 26  goals to complete before I turn 27 is to legally change my name. You might think... REALLY< YOU STILL HADN"T CHANGED YOUR NAME??!?!?!? 

Well. Its true. Somethings seem so big and so overwhelming, I think its the emotional attachment not the actual work.  In the back of my mind I knew it would be a simple wait at the social security office and maybe a small fee. Still it seemed like I was asking myself to learn to fly or die. 

Turns out I love learning to fly! 

No longer carrying the name of the man who betray me. 

Free to dance and be and well, pronounce my name for everyone who tries to read it.

Let's say it together shall we? 

smi - leck

Jaime Leah SMIALEK
(Lee)

FULL STEAM AHEAD>>>

Its not always this way. 

Somedays still really fucking suck.

(like when I bust the heel of my brand new shoes while going a lil wild in Nashville shhhh.)

Though as time passes, somehow, it all hurts less and less and then other things hurt. I can barely remember how it felt when I used to feel like I would die and I knew I would never feel better. Somewhere along the road God gave me the gift of turning my mistakes and a very abusive and twisted relationship into fuel. This fuel launches me forward. Last year I was like a bottle rocket, unable to slow down, moving forward with speed and leaving a trail of glitter.  I launched my business, quit my job at the florist and well, I never looked back. (okay sometimes I look back but I only give myself a second then I put my blinders back on)

Out of extreme pain I managed to move forward with my life, and if I do say so my self... moved forward gracefully. Constantly reminding myself that no good would come from physically hurting the Former.

 No good would come from asking friends to choose sides after the split. No good would come from laying in bed, from feeling sorry for myself and no good would come from regrets.

 The good in my life comes from learning from my past, excepting my past, excepting me, loving myself for the first time in my life and recognizing my value and my voice.

Yes.
That's right.

You are valuable.

You have voice.

Better yet your voice is important.

If I could tell you anything, if I could tell old me (my therapist calls this Jaime January 2011) anything, I would tell myself that I am valuable and I have voice. To say it, even now, shakes my world.

Where did I learn otherwise?

26 before 27. >>> #1

1) business blog up and running

It has only taken me since October... but its finally up! I originally bought the hosting and template back at the beginning of October, I used the blog for a few weeks and then changed the domain. While changing the domain I really botched things up and lost the poor dude in cyber space! Then I got busy and extremely distracted.

It really is amazing what I can accomplish when I put my mind to it. Sit down. Give it my full attention.

What was once extremely over whelming and confusing is now a beautiful marketing tool and creative outlet. With this new business blog I hope to share my work, bits and pieces of my personal life (nothing like on here), to feature mostly photography but possibly a few lifestyle pieces also. 

I want it to be a place where people check in to see whats new. 

So cheers! To 1 of 26 goals completed. Its been a good year so far and I am eager to see what the rest of it holds.

"Show me some of that genetic moxie," he said.

When he said it I was instantly infuriated.
Livid.
Then I realized I actually had no idea what it meant.

 mox·ie   [mok-see] 

1. vigor; verve; pep. 

2. courage and aggressiveness; nerve. 

3. skill; know-how. 

 Its true, I have a genetic moxie. Its the part of me I am most proud of, the thing that was so crippled for so long. Though this path I am cutting out from the brush is consistently tangled and messy, I am learning to enjoy it.

The eb and the flow. The good and really fucking bad.

 I feel like I am holding back a secret. Like I know an answer that someone is looking for. I hold the key. I am the treasure at the end of the rainbow. I am very careful and calculated not to unleash it on just anyone. It must be just the right person.

26 before 27

1) business blog up and running
2) register both blogs on blog lovin
3) change my name LEGALLY
4) tn drivers license
5) tn car tags
6) start a business account
7) get my boat running
8) visit Jonlyn in Ashville, NC
9) clean out basement, getting rid of atleasat 1/2 the things I own
10) video of me on my business website for potential clients
11) read a good book
12) have 1000 Facebook fans
13) get my next tattoo
14) sew more often
15) coordinate and complete a styled shoot
16) get a new business license
17) be more active in life
18) design and create a packaging for finished discs
19) have an established savings account
20) have a photoshoot of me done, I need some good pictures of myself that aren't instagram!
21) live in a healthy and happy environment that I am proud of
22) make meditation apart of my life
23) be attending and involved in church
24) eat at St. Johns
25) to not view myself as the divorced girl, as wearing a scarlet
letter, the failure or hopeless but to be able to separate who I am as
a person from the things that I have been through
26) to be thankful for all of it

Stomach KNOTS

So since my last post my stomach never really settled. Its been super yucky and tied all up in knots. Every time I eat I get sharp pains, I feel weak, tired, hazy and like might vomit or pass out. I put out my feelers to see what might be going wrong and here are the response I have gotten.

-Gluten allergy - I have thought I have had a gluten allergy for over a year now, I have slowly cut it out of my diet, but when I cheat man I feel it. Not so much stomach pain as much as I just feel sorta gross. Since being sick a week and half ago I have laid off all gluten and meat... but still I am feeling awful.

-Anemia - I had a friend call after she heard about how I was feeling and she had a similar experience 3 years ago. She said that the doctor suggest it might have to do with extremely low iron in her blood. I am anemic, always have been and unless I take a little vitamin everyday my iron levels stay low. I think this could be the real answer so I am going to start taking the iron everyday for a while and wait it out. I think the intense vomiting last weekend my have messed up stomach and so now I need to level out my iron.

-Gallbladder - This same friend said that the doctor suggested a second option, that it could be her gallbladder. I have 3 or 4 people suggest that to me, I don't have health insurance so I want to look into some other things before going into the doctor, but it is something to be considered.

-Stomach ulcers - I dont think I have a stomach ulcer unless you get it from puking a lot. I should look into that.

-Depression/anxiety - I do have a lot on my plate right now, so I plan to exercise more and really take some time each day to breathe and think. To try and release some of this stress. I have had a couple of people mention that these can be symptoms of depression, even my therapist said that. BUT I don't feel depressed... I wonder if you can be depressed and not know it or be in denial of it??

It has officially been one year.

Saying that aloud, makes me want to vomit.

Literally.

I have been hugging the toilet for the last 18 hours.

Sick.

As.

A.

Dog.

and just plain sad.

I can't believe 52 weeks ago today I packed up my belongings, while my husband sat on the couch watching television, and loaded them into the Winnebago. The worst part about today is that I can't remember why I left, I cant remember it ever being bad, I cant remember the verbal abuse, the mind games, the lying, the constant chase for his approval or attention, I can't remember him not wanting me there, or treating me like shit. I know it happened but I just miss him so much.

I know we aren't supposed to compare pain, but I think would rather be a widow, than divorced. I am not sure I will ever be able to fully wrap my head around the amount of betrayal and rejection I feel.

Divorce is for the birds.

a whole year.

Never doubt the immeasurable power of a SMIZE>

Those moments I forget.

I love to shoot, because for just a moment in time I completely loose myself in something.

I am not really sure how it works... but when I am taking pictures, I get to use my mind...

math,

ratios,

light,

composition,

lines,

framing,

direction,

thinking about what my model thinks,

seeing color,

my audience,

being creative,

being silly,

trying new things,

seeing a photo and then tweaking it 1000 times to get it just the way I want it.

Then I pull my eye away from the camera and breathe.

No one can take that from me. No matter how much pain I have felt or I still feel at the end of the day I love to take pictures.

Check out Chelsey's blog jankisswank.

And that is exactly what I did!

one golden year ring

I had to stay out.

I had to let the time pass,

the day fall and all of the pain slide down.

I was pinned,

by a 'rogue' friend from behind

and the Former from the front.

And still I stayed.

I should of collapsed...

I thought I might

but I realized that for my sanity I had to let the time pass...

I had to plant my feet and let the pain slide down.

I had to just exsist as me.

No standards or expectations or boundaries of friendship.

I couldn't be

or have a wing man.

I had to for the last bit of life left in me,

to just be there,

unexpectedly interact with those I have I had hoped for.

To breathe.

To watch.

To move my hips and listen.

Sober.

I desperately wanted to escape

but there is something inside of me that has to trudge.

Trudge,

trudge,

trudge through the worst of it.

Eyes wide open

counting and celebrating each breath

and feeling the pain.

It's like that moment when you realize biting the belt

doesn't actually help

and you just feel it.

Birthday TOAST>

At my birthday dinner Casey gave the most beautiful speech I have ever heard. Maybe thats because I have never heard someone speak so highly of me. Honestly when receiving a compliment I just shut down and say 'thank you'. Which is better than what I used to do, I would just say 'no' or down play what they were saying, which I then realized was insulting and rude. So I just smile and say 'thank you' but I honestly just don't listen. To have someone toast you, your friendship is much different... you have to listen, because they aren't talking to you they are talking to the table.

The next day he posted his something very similar to his toast. Here it is...

Casey Yoshida

I met Jaime a little over a year ago. We were both at a crossroad, both having ended relationships and attempting to regain a sense of ourselves. Trying to find a moment of happiness and trust. Within the first few months I think we both found this and much more in each other. I knew that we were kindred spirits. When she needed a shoulder I offered. When I needed a home she opened her door. Last night I was able to celebrate the birth of this incredible woman. She has shown me that real love amongst friends can be that of a family. Free from expectation and free from condition. Last night I lifted a glass and forever I will lift up my heart in thanks of you, Jaime. I love you always, always. Let us always remember that.... Ya' lose some, ya' win some... and then you just win. Happy Birthday, my sweet diva.

Then after I left Atlanta to come home to Chattanooga he posted this.

‎Jaime Leah Smialek... why the hell did you leave me? I don't care that your blonde hair clogs my drain or that you throw your clothes all over my bedroom or even that everytime you want a drink of water you get a new glass, take one sip and leave it lying around the house like the little girl in Signs. I promise.

I am so thankful for Casey and so thankful our relationship and its timing. He may honestly be my only really close friend that doesn't look at me like I am sad. He never has. Not once. I can honestly say that he sees me for who I am not what I have been through. Its rare in my life and its special and I wouldn't trade him for these boots.

But I would think long and hard about it.

Falling asleep the evening I turned 26.

No longer a young buck,

I hear the train roar.

Here in bed with a gay man who loves me,

not where I thought would be,

I could never of predicted my scarlet letters,

my bruises,

this broken unbridled spirit.

Quoted to be loving with out condition

I question everything.

A time, an age when I should be firm,

it all turns to a jello mold.

Quivering as the new neighbor

delivers a gift she knows damn well I won't eat.

I prefer to drink my calories.

This Ain't Your Mama's Wedding + Party Expo!

So excited to be apart of this fabulous event again!! I have already started brain storming the design of my booth! I will definitely be using my blue dresser again!

Craft time!

* Sorry I couldn't resist.

I had to get the hell out of Dodge!

To leave somewhere immediately, to evacuate or scram. "Get the hell out of Dodge" is a reference to Dodge City, Kansas, which was a favorite location for westerns in the early to mid 20th century. Most memorably, the phrase was made famous by the TV show "Gunsmoke," in which villians were often commanded to "get the hell out of Dodge." The phrase took on its current meaning in the 1960s and 70s when teenagers began to use it in its current form. And so I did.

I went to Atlanta to celebrate my birthday with Casey my love! He is a true miva and really took care of me. It was such a joy to spend my birthday with such beautiful people in a city not my own.

Turning 26 was a big deal for me, no longer a 'young buck' but honestly an adult. My birthday also was the one year anniversary of the Former giving back his wedding band to 'help me get it'. He was leaving... and well he did. It just took a long time for me to really understand that I was in a marriage alone. This past weekend was also the my first wedding of the year, not just any wedding but a dear friends. It was my first friend of mine to get married since my divorce and I had no idea how emotional that was going to be for me.

The culmination of these very intense things, and a few others became a little to much to handle, so I got the hell out of dodge and it was probably one of the best things I have ever done for myself.

So here is to another year of healing, growing up and to one more birthday!

To fall in to arms.

Open arms, waiting,

catching me like towels fresh out of the dryer,

Just when I needed it most

I jump of the deep end and into warm friends.

To be treasured and celebrated,

to giggle and not to think,

to let your cous cous hang out

and sing with the masses.

It was a bubbly birthday indeed.

Creative Call Answered

I am so excited to even be applying for this position.

I was meant for it, or it was meant for me. Either way, I have been cultivating the skills and creativity needed for this position my entire life. Currently, I own and operate a wedding photography business. Last year, Our Ampersand Photography shot 21 weddings! I have experience in and have become the best combination of graphic design, crafting, floral design, styling, fashion and writing.

During undergrad at Covenant College, I studied under Ken MacElrath of Skoodat, learning the ins and outs of basic graphic design. I became most familiar with Adobe Illustrator, but my skills carry over to many programs. I have used this knowledge to create my own website and many of the things you will see on this blog.

As an avid crafter, I like to leave my touch on everything. I am known by friends as the 'fashion MacGyver' because when I see something I love, I craft it. It is not out of the question for me to sew a bride back into her dress, or end up doing her hair while I am shooting her wedding. Here is just a taste of my work from 2010. Creating is a part of who I am. Its something I can't not do.

To see more clothes I re-worked click here!

For a portion of 2011, I worked in flower shop and gained experience in floral design. I also learned that styling is an innate gift, rather than something that's easily taught. Before having had any formal training, I was able to use my natural eye to create beautiful and whimsical flower arrangements.

Last year, I participated in Homespun Parties + Events This Ain't Your Mama's Wedding + Party + Expo. I designed, crafted and styled my booth.

To see more photos of my booth click here.

I absolutely adore styling shoots for my clients. I have worked with many themes as well as personalities and have come to collect a great treasure trove of props. I enjoy and am skilled in hair & make-up, fashion, posing, and I love to try new things. I am not one to be held back by the unknown.

To see more photographs from this styled shoot click here.

To see more photographs from this styled shoot click here.

I wear many hats and pride myself on being versatile. I am currently involved in curating the indie craft festival here in Chattanooga, Chatty Crafty. This position allows me to work alongside the director to coordinate the skeleton of the show, while simultaneously handling PR and marketing. Through this opportunity and the continued growth of my own business, I have become a bit of a social media queen.

My disposition is always cheerful, warm and helpful. As a wedding photographer, shooting 21 weddings the year my husband left me, I learned to maintain my positive attitude. This particular blog was birthed out of that very painful situation. In order to read more, I recommend starting at the beginning. Through it all, I have grown and learned so much and am ready for the next challenge in life. I work well under pressure, can think quickly on my toes and be innovative at the drop of a hat. I thrive as a part of a creative team.

I am already doing all of the things the position requires, now I just want to do them for you!

My resolution to the new year.

There are many things I would like to do or change... but I know I will do them. I have my lists made and prioritized... I plan to tackle the year with the same amount of will power and drive I did the last. This time with a little less heart break.

My goal this year is the not be so hard on myself.

I want to love myself despite my sense of failure. I want to shake this feeling of wearing a scarlet letter. I don't want to beat myself up anymore.

If I can't love and accept myself, how could I ever expect anyone else to.

Fear and Pain

I love learning, and usually from experience... but not this time, not this topic, maybe not anymore. I am forging the world of dating and I have a very intense love/hate relationship with it. The excitement of meeting someone new, getting to know them and those first conversations are great... but then actually caring, blows. I function so well (eh, I function at my own pace) when its just me doing my thing. Then a cute boy gives me even an ounce of attention and my little world gets knocked off its axis. I feel like if I slow down to actually interact with someone, I will loose my momentum and probably just die.

Honestly even the slightest inkling of rejection feels like the Former abandoning me all over again.

I know its an over reaction, I know I am making small things big things... but its really how I feel. The idea of dating someone, liking someone, causes my breath to become short and my eyes to well. With the first feelings of attraction I can already feel the pain of the end. Follow me on this. With the beginning comes the middle which leads to the end. I know there is an end because I am not getting married. If I am not getting married why should I start the whole process of letting someone destroy me again. I have worked so hard in the last year to process, to discover myself again, to find my footing and I refuse to throw that away.

I can't help but feel that I want relationships to go away.

I have my friends, and the ones I have kept are the ones I know won't hurt me.

Really thinking through this I realize that more than anything I am terrified of being hurt. I am so scared to let someone close. To the point that I am little petrified. Unable to move from where I am. I have to shake this feeling because I have a life to live.

So the verdicts still out,

but in my opinion until this paralyzing fear is gone, dating should be re-returned to the back burning.

Or do I need to just rip the band aid off?

NYE12

Divas reunited with effort and pure love, blistered feet, my soul aches and rejoices. Thank you 2011 for humbling me and giving me to grace to step forward. Thank you for friends, family, and secret givers.... Thank you for the ability to find myself and know the people I love... Thank you for bomb ass shoes and stories to tell my grand children...You win some, you loose some and then you just win.