one golden year ring

I had to stay out.

I had to let the time pass,

the day fall and all of the pain slide down.

I was pinned,

by a 'rogue' friend from behind

and the Former from the front.

And still I stayed.

I should of collapsed...

I thought I might

but I realized that for my sanity I had to let the time pass...

I had to plant my feet and let the pain slide down.

I had to just exsist as me.

No standards or expectations or boundaries of friendship.

I couldn't be

or have a wing man.

I had to for the last bit of life left in me,

to just be there,

unexpectedly interact with those I have I had hoped for.

To breathe.

To watch.

To move my hips and listen.

Sober.

I desperately wanted to escape

but there is something inside of me that has to trudge.

Trudge,

trudge,

trudge through the worst of it.

Eyes wide open

counting and celebrating each breath

and feeling the pain.

It's like that moment when you realize biting the belt

doesn't actually help

and you just feel it.