Fresh Start!

I finally moved into my new place! Thankfully at the wise counsel of my roomie, I painted my room before moving in! As I finished up I remembered her writing on her wall before painting it and I wished I had... then I just decided to paint a message on top of my perfect wall!!!!

Even though life still feels extremely chaotic and I feel the pain of loss everyday... I know I have a fresh start and this is where I have chosen to make it. With these girls in this house. The former has made his way into my life multiple times this week and he has ravaged me... turned me upside down.

I am still madly in love with him, but he needs help and I am probably the only person that can not help him. It hurts so much, I want to ensure his safety and success through this life but he has become so self destructive, I figure my best bet is to just get out of his way.

This move has been physically exhausting and extremely theraputic. To unpack boxes that I haven't seen in years and cry over memories that hadn't been remembered in years.

I loved my life.

I hate that it can't go the way that I planned or had hoped it would go... it riddles me with confusion and anger. However, I know that there is so much more for me. I think part of me is a little scared of the world holds for me now that I am unhindered, no longer living under the abuse of the former. I have hope.

What I really need is a little more hope for this giant pile of clothes!! Anyone want to help me organize my collection of treasures??

Don't worry mom, when the paint dried you couldn't see the writing!

And then she had a porch.

So its been a ROUGH week to say the least.

Its actually been down right traumatic.

To list only a few of the highlights (honestly I am giving you the good stuff, because I like you) I ate at City Cafe Diner at 3:00am (BARF), I saw Britney Spears live in Atlanta (she was TERRIBLE (saggy tits)), informed I am showing signs of suffering from PTSD(I am not a war vet people!), and finally today I signed a year lease on a home with two dear friends!

This will be the healing home, this will be where I rebuild my life, learn how to be me again, read more, cook more, and live as a single woman. Let's be real honest these walls have NO idea what they are in for!

I am a complete mess but this home is a major step in rebuilding and healing. I fully anticipate the next year and what it holds for me.

Let's hope its true that when you hit rock bottom the only what to go is up!

(For me and Britney!)

I decided to spare you one of her new songs... because they are absolutely awful... but here is an old favorite of mine.

Kick'em when they're up /// Kick'em(me) when they're down

Sometimes you just can't win, I get that, really. I understand and its okay.

Ever have a night when you know you shouldn't leave the house(camper), you should just forfeit and put on your PJs and hop into bed. Count the night as a loss... just write it off. Tonight was one of those... but of course I didn't listen, so 5 hours and $50 later I am home and still in a terrible mood.

I could make a list of things that went wrong. I could make the list in chronological order or maybe from least worst to worstest, but instead I will just hit some highlights. Two days ago while outside there was a heat index of 113 degrees, the BAGO kept blowing fuses in the house. You see I am "plugged-in" as in, I am in plugged-in to the house with a big orange extension cord. Well it was overheating time and time again and while trying to address the situation the cord

<<< IT CAUGHT ON FIRE >>>

I then unplugged it and caught my breathe.

The plug and then extension cord were melted together so Katelynd began to get them apart with a butter knife.

No worries it was unplugged.

While she was handling that end of the fiasco I realized the cord was still way to hot to be pluggin' back in but on the other hand it was waaaay to hot outside to not have it not plugged in. The obvious solution was to cool it off.

So I put it in the freezer.

To say the least camping for a living has its up and its DOWNS.

So I am down right? Well this is where the kicking comes in... this evening I helped a friend move, while standing outside chatting I decided to go ahead and start my car, ya know, cool things off. When I go to leave I realize I have locked my keys in my car, WHILE ITS RUNNING> to make matters worse I had to call the former since he still has my spare car key.

Its so painful to see him.

So even though I have broken free of and extremely hurtful and abusive relationship, I often feel like the weakest person in the world. However soon, I get another fresh start. In a house with controlled temperatures and semi level flooring.

By mid-August I plan to cut my orange umbilical cord and move into an apartment!

"God knows you love an Easy Spirit" says my friend.

Today while shopping at one of my favorite places on earth, RUGGED WAREHOUSE (find one near you) I was perusing the shoes and laughed at myself as my eye was caught by this shoe.

You see... secretly inside I am just 76 year old woman, I love comfort and I am stuck in my ways, I love to crochet and make lists. I also have an uncontrollable urge to buy every porcelain nic-nac I come across!

I often have to turn to my girl friends and say, "Why do I know I shouldn't want to buy this, but I DO WANT TO BUY IT." I want to wear it everyday and just try to convince myself its the "perfect balance of comfort and style!" - straight from the Easy Spirit web-site.

PFFFFFFFFFF not true! Its just not cute!

You see the problem with an Easy Spirit shoe is that its lying to you.

Life is not that easy... life is good (stylish)

because it takes some effort!

Which means its not always comfortable people!

Take this shoe as a metaphor for life. Its absolutely beautifully constructed and that took some work. When you wear this shoe, it might hurt and your ass is going to be sore the next day from flexing all night on the dance floor, but its worth it. The reward for effort put into a shoe or a marriage is directly related to outcome.

So goodbye former and goodbye Easy Spirit shoes!

Hello hottie!

(*that's me!)

The things that make me melt.

So obviously I love wedding photography, I love wedding cinematography, decorations, invites, party favors, food, music, shoes, rings, cakes, dancing, getting dressed and well, everything weddings.

At least once a day I tend to browse multiple wedding blogs... its research... IT IS! A few weeks ago some friends of mine shot their first wedding video. Bethany asked me to look at it and let her know what I thought. I expected it to be good, they are talented, creative people and I know they are hard workers. What I did not expect was for it to be better than then things I research day in and day out.

Watch this magic and try not to cry.

Casey + Brandon from Fancy Rhino on Vimeo.

It is okay to be okay.

Who would of thought...

I can not express how odd it feels to feel okay.

I am slowly realizing that it has been a long, long time since I have felt good and well. For the last couple of years I was in a constant nervous scramble to please and satisfy someone who could not be satisfied. The guilt and judgement I have lived with has literally almost crippled me. While ranting on and on last night in therapy my therapist observed that I feel bad about feeling bad.

I have been beating myself up because I am so accustomed to be criticized. On the other hand however I also feel bad about feeling okay.

There are brief moments lately when I feel okay, I feel good, I feel like I am rebuilding and healing. I quickly convince myself that I am being delusional and that I am just pretending like I am okay but really I need to feel like shit because feeling like shit means that I am dealing with my pain.

IT JUST NOT TRUE> in fact... it is okay to feel okay.

(if even just for a fleeting moment)