It has officially been one year.

Saying that aloud, makes me want to vomit.

Literally.

I have been hugging the toilet for the last 18 hours.

Sick.

As.

A.

Dog.

and just plain sad.

I can't believe 52 weeks ago today I packed up my belongings, while my husband sat on the couch watching television, and loaded them into the Winnebago. The worst part about today is that I can't remember why I left, I cant remember it ever being bad, I cant remember the verbal abuse, the mind games, the lying, the constant chase for his approval or attention, I can't remember him not wanting me there, or treating me like shit. I know it happened but I just miss him so much.

I know we aren't supposed to compare pain, but I think would rather be a widow, than divorced. I am not sure I will ever be able to fully wrap my head around the amount of betrayal and rejection I feel.

Divorce is for the birds.

a whole year.

Never doubt the immeasurable power of a SMIZE>

Those moments I forget.

I love to shoot, because for just a moment in time I completely loose myself in something.

I am not really sure how it works... but when I am taking pictures, I get to use my mind...

math,

ratios,

light,

composition,

lines,

framing,

direction,

thinking about what my model thinks,

seeing color,

my audience,

being creative,

being silly,

trying new things,

seeing a photo and then tweaking it 1000 times to get it just the way I want it.

Then I pull my eye away from the camera and breathe.

No one can take that from me. No matter how much pain I have felt or I still feel at the end of the day I love to take pictures.

Check out Chelsey's blog jankisswank.

And that is exactly what I did!

one golden year ring

I had to stay out.

I had to let the time pass,

the day fall and all of the pain slide down.

I was pinned,

by a 'rogue' friend from behind

and the Former from the front.

And still I stayed.

I should of collapsed...

I thought I might

but I realized that for my sanity I had to let the time pass...

I had to plant my feet and let the pain slide down.

I had to just exsist as me.

No standards or expectations or boundaries of friendship.

I couldn't be

or have a wing man.

I had to for the last bit of life left in me,

to just be there,

unexpectedly interact with those I have I had hoped for.

To breathe.

To watch.

To move my hips and listen.

Sober.

I desperately wanted to escape

but there is something inside of me that has to trudge.

Trudge,

trudge,

trudge through the worst of it.

Eyes wide open

counting and celebrating each breath

and feeling the pain.

It's like that moment when you realize biting the belt

doesn't actually help

and you just feel it.

Birthday TOAST>

At my birthday dinner Casey gave the most beautiful speech I have ever heard. Maybe thats because I have never heard someone speak so highly of me. Honestly when receiving a compliment I just shut down and say 'thank you'. Which is better than what I used to do, I would just say 'no' or down play what they were saying, which I then realized was insulting and rude. So I just smile and say 'thank you' but I honestly just don't listen. To have someone toast you, your friendship is much different... you have to listen, because they aren't talking to you they are talking to the table.

The next day he posted his something very similar to his toast. Here it is...

Casey Yoshida

I met Jaime a little over a year ago. We were both at a crossroad, both having ended relationships and attempting to regain a sense of ourselves. Trying to find a moment of happiness and trust. Within the first few months I think we both found this and much more in each other. I knew that we were kindred spirits. When she needed a shoulder I offered. When I needed a home she opened her door. Last night I was able to celebrate the birth of this incredible woman. She has shown me that real love amongst friends can be that of a family. Free from expectation and free from condition. Last night I lifted a glass and forever I will lift up my heart in thanks of you, Jaime. I love you always, always. Let us always remember that.... Ya' lose some, ya' win some... and then you just win. Happy Birthday, my sweet diva.

Then after I left Atlanta to come home to Chattanooga he posted this.

‎Jaime Leah Smialek... why the hell did you leave me? I don't care that your blonde hair clogs my drain or that you throw your clothes all over my bedroom or even that everytime you want a drink of water you get a new glass, take one sip and leave it lying around the house like the little girl in Signs. I promise.

I am so thankful for Casey and so thankful our relationship and its timing. He may honestly be my only really close friend that doesn't look at me like I am sad. He never has. Not once. I can honestly say that he sees me for who I am not what I have been through. Its rare in my life and its special and I wouldn't trade him for these boots.

But I would think long and hard about it.

Falling asleep the evening I turned 26.

No longer a young buck,

I hear the train roar.

Here in bed with a gay man who loves me,

not where I thought would be,

I could never of predicted my scarlet letters,

my bruises,

this broken unbridled spirit.

Quoted to be loving with out condition

I question everything.

A time, an age when I should be firm,

it all turns to a jello mold.

Quivering as the new neighbor

delivers a gift she knows damn well I won't eat.

I prefer to drink my calories.

This Ain't Your Mama's Wedding + Party Expo!

So excited to be apart of this fabulous event again!! I have already started brain storming the design of my booth! I will definitely be using my blue dresser again!

Craft time!

* Sorry I couldn't resist.

I had to get the hell out of Dodge!

To leave somewhere immediately, to evacuate or scram. "Get the hell out of Dodge" is a reference to Dodge City, Kansas, which was a favorite location for westerns in the early to mid 20th century. Most memorably, the phrase was made famous by the TV show "Gunsmoke," in which villians were often commanded to "get the hell out of Dodge." The phrase took on its current meaning in the 1960s and 70s when teenagers began to use it in its current form. And so I did.

I went to Atlanta to celebrate my birthday with Casey my love! He is a true miva and really took care of me. It was such a joy to spend my birthday with such beautiful people in a city not my own.

Turning 26 was a big deal for me, no longer a 'young buck' but honestly an adult. My birthday also was the one year anniversary of the Former giving back his wedding band to 'help me get it'. He was leaving... and well he did. It just took a long time for me to really understand that I was in a marriage alone. This past weekend was also the my first wedding of the year, not just any wedding but a dear friends. It was my first friend of mine to get married since my divorce and I had no idea how emotional that was going to be for me.

The culmination of these very intense things, and a few others became a little to much to handle, so I got the hell out of dodge and it was probably one of the best things I have ever done for myself.

So here is to another year of healing, growing up and to one more birthday!

To fall in to arms.

Open arms, waiting,

catching me like towels fresh out of the dryer,

Just when I needed it most

I jump of the deep end and into warm friends.

To be treasured and celebrated,

to giggle and not to think,

to let your cous cous hang out

and sing with the masses.

It was a bubbly birthday indeed.

Creative Call Answered

I am so excited to even be applying for this position.

I was meant for it, or it was meant for me. Either way, I have been cultivating the skills and creativity needed for this position my entire life. Currently, I own and operate a wedding photography business. Last year, Our Ampersand Photography shot 21 weddings! I have experience in and have become the best combination of graphic design, crafting, floral design, styling, fashion and writing.

During undergrad at Covenant College, I studied under Ken MacElrath of Skoodat, learning the ins and outs of basic graphic design. I became most familiar with Adobe Illustrator, but my skills carry over to many programs. I have used this knowledge to create my own website and many of the things you will see on this blog.

As an avid crafter, I like to leave my touch on everything. I am known by friends as the 'fashion MacGyver' because when I see something I love, I craft it. It is not out of the question for me to sew a bride back into her dress, or end up doing her hair while I am shooting her wedding. Here is just a taste of my work from 2010. Creating is a part of who I am. Its something I can't not do.

To see more clothes I re-worked click here!

For a portion of 2011, I worked in flower shop and gained experience in floral design. I also learned that styling is an innate gift, rather than something that's easily taught. Before having had any formal training, I was able to use my natural eye to create beautiful and whimsical flower arrangements.

Last year, I participated in Homespun Parties + Events This Ain't Your Mama's Wedding + Party + Expo. I designed, crafted and styled my booth.

To see more photos of my booth click here.

I absolutely adore styling shoots for my clients. I have worked with many themes as well as personalities and have come to collect a great treasure trove of props. I enjoy and am skilled in hair & make-up, fashion, posing, and I love to try new things. I am not one to be held back by the unknown.

To see more photographs from this styled shoot click here.

To see more photographs from this styled shoot click here.

I wear many hats and pride myself on being versatile. I am currently involved in curating the indie craft festival here in Chattanooga, Chatty Crafty. This position allows me to work alongside the director to coordinate the skeleton of the show, while simultaneously handling PR and marketing. Through this opportunity and the continued growth of my own business, I have become a bit of a social media queen.

My disposition is always cheerful, warm and helpful. As a wedding photographer, shooting 21 weddings the year my husband left me, I learned to maintain my positive attitude. This particular blog was birthed out of that very painful situation. In order to read more, I recommend starting at the beginning. Through it all, I have grown and learned so much and am ready for the next challenge in life. I work well under pressure, can think quickly on my toes and be innovative at the drop of a hat. I thrive as a part of a creative team.

I am already doing all of the things the position requires, now I just want to do them for you!