There is candy in my storm!

I am so thankful that I am able to learn and grow in life surrounded by people who care. Somedays though, the storm seems a little to crazy, a little wild and unruly. I am slowly realizing that the storm knows I am in it... the storm has regard for me.

As I trudge through what is my life and lift the weight of my own body constantly shifting it forward I begrudgingly accept that things are not always the way I want them to be but they are always good.

Some things are just good.

(mine in just a few short days!)

I am not in control << BUT PLEASE don't tell me that!

The events that have come to pass in the recent week have shaken me up like never before. By all means, I have become very comfortable with grief, pain, sadness and depression.

Maybe a little to comfortable. My dear friend Chelsey pointed out to me its easy to find that place, even though its not the best, very comfortable. It has become such apart of how we view ourselves that it become safe.

I think that I, more than anyone else, have been marking myself with a scarlet letter. I feel like I walk around as 'oh that divorced girl', 'the girl who couldn't keep her marriage together'.

I mean if your own husband can't love you... who can?

Recent days have knocked me FLAT ON MY ASS> to realize that I can feel something again. Something other that shame, guilt and sadness. To have butterflies for the first time since FN high school, to have someone tell me they think I am pretty, and enjoy being with me. I do however understand that this is no reason to jump into anything, or even jump to any conclusion.

In reality its just crazy to me, absolutely mind boggling that a male(or anyone really) could find me interesting, attractive or desirable. I have gone so long knowing that I am too heavy, too poor, too needy, too goofy, too girly, knowing for an absolute fact that I am unlovable.

This is a step forward I never saw coming, and refuse to not continue with the path I have been on what ever that may mean.

And in the most sensible way I give it only one purpose and that is the power to teach me.

I have to learn that change is okay.

I have to learn that I don't know what is going to happen and that is okay.

I have to KNOW that I can NOT understand everything.

Sometimes things don't make sense from this side(or even other I have learned) but that doesn't mean they can't be enjoyable.

Our Family Christmas Card!

Charming Snowflakes Holiday

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#sundaydivadrives

The past couple of Sundays we have gone on bike rides. Riding bikes is one my favorite things in the world, I feel like a kid, free to go and be, off of the beaten track and completely in the moment.

These moments, these girls are what make the struggle enjoyable. I am not sure how people live with out best friends. Never again will I sacrifice a the strong relationships I have women in my life that empower me, understand and appreciate me for boy.

Never again.

Its like a time warp>>> I rejoice and then vomit.

So much has happened in the last three weeks,

I hate that I haven't been blogging, it honestly has a big impact on my life. This blog allows me to think out loud, to move forward and look back with new eyes.

It has been 8 and 1/2 months since I moved out of the Former's house and have been living life on my own, they have been hard and emotion but recently I have really felt okay, settled and some what at peace... until this jumble fuck of important days cam all strewn together.

and a few not so joyious conversation, with friends who want to tell me what the Former is up to... and I honestly feel my neck tighten up, the back of my head thump as I struggle to swallow and my heart sinks to bottom of my stomach pushing on my bladder, which then forces my whole life out of my butt.

It hurts so badly.

Then I cry,

My battle as of late is to stay focused... I feel sadness for the poor girl the Former has believing him. Even though I miss him with every once of my being and would do anything to have him back. I know going back to that life is not what is best. I know I have a whole life here for the taking that does not involve manipulation, guilt, shame, low self esteem, disillusionment, or someone telling me they love me when they really only love them self.

In slumps like these I lie to myself. I tell me self things I know are true but I don't honestly believe... Here is one for you...

There are men in the world who will love and appreciate me for who I am, they have the capacity to and will cherish my story not try to change it and value me as a beautiful, powerful, creative and caring woman.