I am not in control << BUT PLEASE don't tell me that!

The events that have come to pass in the recent week have shaken me up like never before. By all means, I have become very comfortable with grief, pain, sadness and depression.

Maybe a little to comfortable. My dear friend Chelsey pointed out to me its easy to find that place, even though its not the best, very comfortable. It has become such apart of how we view ourselves that it become safe.

I think that I, more than anyone else, have been marking myself with a scarlet letter. I feel like I walk around as 'oh that divorced girl', 'the girl who couldn't keep her marriage together'.

I mean if your own husband can't love you... who can?

Recent days have knocked me FLAT ON MY ASS> to realize that I can feel something again. Something other that shame, guilt and sadness. To have butterflies for the first time since FN high school, to have someone tell me they think I am pretty, and enjoy being with me. I do however understand that this is no reason to jump into anything, or even jump to any conclusion.

In reality its just crazy to me, absolutely mind boggling that a male(or anyone really) could find me interesting, attractive or desirable. I have gone so long knowing that I am too heavy, too poor, too needy, too goofy, too girly, knowing for an absolute fact that I am unlovable.

This is a step forward I never saw coming, and refuse to not continue with the path I have been on what ever that may mean.

And in the most sensible way I give it only one purpose and that is the power to teach me.

I have to learn that change is okay.

I have to learn that I don't know what is going to happen and that is okay.

I have to KNOW that I can NOT understand everything.

Sometimes things don't make sense from this side(or even other I have learned) but that doesn't mean they can't be enjoyable.