Diva Bleach #2

Though I have died my hair multiple times since my last diva bleach post, its always more fun to do it with a girl friend!

Cheers to...

-Beyonce music videos

-pop corn

-untouched bottles of whiskey

-space heaters and no clean in air in small rooms

-being silly and loving life!

In due time.

I am starting to find it comical that I even have expectations for myself. It seems I never meet them, or when I do its not in the time frame I had created. I realize now that everything that has happened in the last 10 months was once on one of my infamous "todo" lists... and now it has come to pass. More than just realizing, I am accepting that someone knows me, knows my heart and know my needs.

So as the holidays come to a peaceful close, my heart is warm and full. I am in a good place and okay with where things stand... I look forward to these next hurdles, take a deep breathe and know its all in due time.

This allows me to stop my wiggle and my wrestle and simply enjoy.

Some things just come along... like these beauties.

Driving home I stopped at the Zappo's clearence center in Shepardsville, Kentucky. A stop that can take a couple hours of digging, trying on and trying to figure prices. Not this time. I walked in... walked to my size and found these... then purchased them for 60% off.

Sometimes its nice when things just come easily... its been a while.

Thank you.

NYE outfit.

I have been crumpled.

This morning I woke up and did the things I normally do, put on a pot of water for the coffee press, brush my teeth, make my bed, clean up a bit and then start working on the computer. Shortly there after I received a call to run errands for a mountain lady. I need the cash so I headed out the door and into the pouring rain. Once in my car I realized there was a giant red heart on my window... in spray paint!

bah... if enough things weren't cosmetically wrong with my car... (its wrecked down the side, dented in the back and has been crashed in the front.... all not my fault... and my car is only 3 years old. boo)

Upon further investigation I found a peace sign on the license plate and what appears to be a mushroom on the hatch back. As the day went on I hit a few more bumps, one being a rather awful conversation with the Former, where he clarified how little he cared for or respected me.

I felt simply deflated, overwhelmed and defeated. I had no more to give, no more push left, I could do nothing but weep in my car. After a good pep talk from my friend I finished the errands and headed home. I stumbled in the door, with my arms full of stuff and found a big brown box... on it a note that read...

After such a crummy day I wasn't even exited at first... then I thought it might be chocolate and that would be really nice. I opened it to find with dream camera and two lenses.

I fell backwards into the wall and began to cry. To scream. To scream and cry. I lost all control of my breathing and my heart fell out of my butt. I just cried and cried and cried.

Then I realized it wasn't real and that I needed to talk to someone to know that it was really happening, I called chelsey, my dad, my mom, my sister... no answer.... it was in fact fake!!! Then I called heidi... it was real. Then I called Katelynd and she told me someone had dropped it off at the house just an hour before!!!

It was really real.

Thank you, who ever you are, I do not deserve this, and I am not sure why you chose to spend your money on me. Please know that you have changed my life, in ways I can not explain, my heart is broken and humbled, I am so grateful for your kindness.

Also if you want it back I will understand.

My first holiday card alone!

Tis' the season for charity!

#sundaydivadrives

TRENDING>

not really... but I do love them. This weekend I stumbled across a vintage tandem bicycle for a great price.

The steering is a little wacky so we were scared to take it on the main road and drive it home, but we did drive it in circles in this parking lot to get the hang of it. The temperature was perfect out, we got into a good rhythm and even better conversation. Before we knew an entire hour had passed.

Its bike rides like these after long weekends with good friends that make all the bad days worth it. To let your mind be set completely free of strain and stress, move your feet at the same pace as someone dear to you and just breathe... I wouldn't trade my #sundaydivadrives for the world.

#divasdoitbetter

The Single Holiday season!

I have not let much slow me down in my newly single life. I decided the holidays would be same! Rather than sit around feeling sorry for myself that I would be alone and single through the holidays for the first time in almost a decade... I decided to celebrate!

This is my new family and love them. I am making new traditions with myself and moving on. I am learning to do things on my own and actually enjoying it!

This is my first tree as a single lady, her name is Franny and she is a Fur!

Chelsey and I got in Santa's slay at the tree lot, hahaha!!!

Then a friend Duane came over and helped us decorate the tree and hang up lights outside. We put on the Christmas tunes, had winter lagar, and I made hot apple cider with whiskey and honey! Yum!

So bring on the Christmas cheer because I refuse to be sad!

Looking back, pausing, stepping forward.

I had the pleasure of running into the Former and his girl friend over the weekend. I reacted calmly and asked if I could speak with her... she agreed and we stepped outside. The conversation went well, and as I had expect it was the girl he was seeing when we were married. Though he continually denied anything was going on between them, a woman should always trust her instincts...

Though it could have gone horribly bad, it didn't. She was calm and let me talk, she asked me questions and I answered. Overall, it went well.

I now however feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest.

As I pause and reflect over the last 281 days I know I have done the right thing and that I am in a good place. The progress I have made in my personal life and my business come from my decision to handle this with good friends and counseling. To be intentional with each day.

For the first time since I moved out, I read the letter I wrote to everyone when I moved into the camper announcing that our marriage was probably over unless there were some big changes with the Former (needless to say he never even realized he needed to change).

I still stand by my letter and I am actually shocked at how calm and level headed I sound... I felt far from it!

So here it is...

Okay, know from the begining of this letter, that I should be talking to you in person or on the phone, BUT I am chicken and I just cant face anyone right now. I need you to know that I love you, and that anything about my personal life I ever kept from you was to protect you. I have always thought to carry my own load was to spare those that I love the trouble of dealing with my issues and their own. I am so sorry for this. I am slowly learning that I am wrong. That my family and friends are there for me. There are many ways I could explain what I need to tell you right now but I am just going to give it you straight and then explain.

Beejay is leaving me. This is the absolute last thing I want. I disagree. I have spent atleast a year now trying to convience him to stay, to love me, to work at our relationship, to invest into us, but I have had no response and things have only gotten worse. Much worse. Yesterday, with the help of my dear friends, I moved out of our home and into the winnebago. I am now writting you this letter from my friends driveway in St. Elmo(at the foot of the mtn.) I am parked on a slight hill, but its okay, I have the lamp on and the window open, I am listening to the birds sing and I am parked next to a giant dog wood. I look foreward to this blossoming and really it reminds me of a Granny, I can still remember the day she explained to me how the markings on the flowers are the markings of Christ. I have loved this tree ever since.

I have moved out because

1. He has asked me to, also told me he is leaving me many times, and I have just continued to fight for our marraige and chase after him. I have been trying to please him to make him happy, to make him feel good again and be happy. I have been working so hard for his approval and I just can not obtain it. I have been reading marraige books, going to therapy, and overall just doing anything I think that will make him happy again. Nothing is working. Our counselor reccommended that beejay fo see a doctor and believes hat beejay has been suffering from and living untreated with bi-polor disease and an anxiety disorder. These things have caused him to be manic. This is played out in his regular weekends away, his binge drinking, (very mild)drug use and over all disregard for responsibility. In his manic state I have been trying to keep his life from falling apart. My therapist explained to me that by doing the dishes, the laundry, keeping the house clean, running all of the errons, by paying the bills and keep track of the money I have made it only easier for him to do whatever he pleases without thought, because there are no consiquences. No matter what he does I have just been there waiting for him at home, waiting for him to come home and of missed me, approve of how clean the house was or celebrate the hard work I had done. But the more he ignored me the harder i have tried. The anxiety of what he think about my every move and the longing and desperation for his approval has practically driven me to the looney bin. I am not my self, I am drowning, I am working at a marraige that someone threw away years ago.... I am in denail. I am an enabler. I am co-dependent. I am a mess.

2. I am leaving because I have been metaphorically walking towards beejay while he was walking away for a long time. I believe you should walk in the direction you want to go. I want to be married to beejay no matter what happens, I want him to be okay, even happy. I want to live with him and be with him and deal with his shit with him. I want Beejay in my life. But I have realized that I am only making things worse. by chasing him, I am making him resent me. He has started to push me away and be mean to me. He told me that he was being mean so that I would leave. My moving out was not intended to be walking away from him. I am only stepping out. I am not walking in a specific direction YET. I am just stepping away from the situation. This is what beejay wants, this is what my friends who love me dearly have advised, and this is what our marraige counselor has told me to think about doing. THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT> but it is what I have to do. I have to be logical. I am in a marraige alone. Loving a man who has no interest in me. Because of this a strong girl has become weak, I have no understanding of my worth or who I can trust. I am beat down I am broken and I am growing weary... I am struggling.

3.I am leaving because I have no idea what else todo. I have begged, I have pleaded with beejay to work on our relationship together, to let me just stay near him, to just put a dot of effort into our relationship, I have read marraige books, seperation books, divorce books, books about love and grace. I have sought counsel. I have worked my ass off trying to do all of the things he asks of me. I have taken jobs to please him, I have quit many jobs to pelase him. I have cried, I have screamed and I am honesly out of ideas.

Once when I was little the lady in our neighborhood at the end of the circle was out playing basketball with her husband. I asked why. She told me that she had been trying to get him to help her clean the house and all he wanted to do was to go outside and play basket ball. She said, "If you can't beat'em, join'em." I can not change beejay. I can not make him want to get better, I can not make him deal with his issures, nor can I force him to engage me or let me into what he is going through. I can not make him better. I can not fix him, I can not control him. He has proven that. I am now waving a white flag in the air. I am at a loss.

My heart hurts, my soul hurts. I am broken and confused. I dont want this. I am not sure how I got here. All I know is that I have to work with what I have. My hopes are that this change may cause beejay to want to change, and with a TON of counseling we will be able to be together in the future. I want to hold him, I want to love him, I want to know that he has no reason to throw away his life. I want to stay with him, but I dont want to enable him, and I dont want him to help him to continue to become this person he is not. He is a changed man for the worse. I believe that his desire to be away from me has caused to act out and be hurtful. He is under it all the man of my dreams, a man who loves. I am not sure how he has gotten to be the person he is now but I know that I am to blame. By no means do I think that I am merely a victim. I am not sure how, I dont understand but I know that it took 2 to create and it probably took 2 to break our marraige. My understanding of this will come in time.

In my current state, I need you to simply love me. Please dont judge me. I am not ready to talk about this yet. I can not sit on the phone and explain. The best way for me to communicate with you is through a letter. I need you to write me if you have any questions or advice. I am sorry I just cant talk on the phone or in person about this yet. I am sorry. I just need time. This is the hardest letter I have ever written, I am crying even now. I feel like I have failed all of you. I took my vows seriously and I feel like moving out was breaking them but its NOT> I stand by beejay even though I am staying a few miles away. I believe in him and I love him with everything I am. I am so sorry that I have kept my struggle a secret for so long. But this is where I am.

I am here.

I just need you to understand that my decision to step away for a while came after many cries, talks, months and months of thinking, seeking counsel and reading. This decision was not made in haste, nor was it made in anger. I love beejay and I want to go be with him even now. It is taking everything I have to not drive home and just hug him. I know that I have to do this. I hope it is temporary, but my fear is that beejay will never love again. Here is to the future, what ever it may hold. I need you to have love, understanding and hope for me. That is all I can ask.

I love you.

Jaime