Sit there and understand.

It is comical and at the same time reassuring to me how so many things in my life come "full circle". Often there will be a marker of the end of something that quickly resembles the beginning and my girl friends and I love to point it out. (Sometimes its a stretch and sometimes it is flat out eery.)

For the last three days I have been wanting to blog on this but its been like hidden in my head, I know its there but I can't find it. Now while watching a music video with my house mate Heidi it finally hit. In the midst of all of this chaos (either inflicted on me or created) I have the choice to sit there and understand.

In other words--> Be still and know.

These girls voices are unreal.

A little over 3 years ago, one of my dearest friends was in the middle of the mucky muck, with no idea of how to help I did what I do best. Give gifts. I made her a pair of earrings... I won't even TRY to explain because they will just sound ridiculous but they said "Be still" on one ear "and know" on the other.

From the outside of her situation I knew that chaos was everywhere and it was overwhelming.f Sitting here now I feel the same way. I feel manic. I feel emotional. I feel unsettled. I feel like I am reaching for something I can never ever grasp. Through all of this I am slowly realizing I am a bit of a loose cannon. As my therapist once said, "Hurt people, hurt people."

News FLASH>>>>>>>>>> I am so hurt.

But I do not want to hurt people. I have been wronged in one the worst ways a human can be wrong and at the slightest inclination of something I don't understand or think might hurt I am building fortress walls and then launching my and knocking them down with cannon balls. Also in the midst of a lot of uncertainty I often feel a bit worry and panic that I have no idea what the future holds. I am not quiet sure how I am going to pay next months bills I am not sure where I will be next week and I am just not quiet sure when the next time I am going to bust into tears in a public place is.

Sometime after I have those feelings another feeling comes... its then that I book another wedding or a friend calls and its then I realize that someone is looking out for me. I am not alone. I am single, however I am not alone.

All of these changes have me a bit worked up these last couple of days, I have a desperate need for a home base and I think I have been pushing those who are closest to me. Not away just pushing. I don't even understand how lucky I am to have friend who put up with my baby diva bull shit everyday and then have the heart to still want to talk to me.

I am starting (slowly) to understand that those worrisome feelings and those feelings of lack of control don't have to nearly as overwhelming as they have been. I have to ( and I strongly recommend) taking a deep breath, then be still and know.

I never saw this coming.

MY MOM AND AUNT BOUGHT ME A COMPUTER FOR MY BUSINESS!

This has been something I have needed for a very long time. When I first started my business up until just a few months ago I have been using the computer at school... then recently bought a used lap top. To say the least I have technical difficulties every. single. day.

Completely unproppted these ladies offered to help me with my business and new life by buying me this amazing gift.

How my life will change.

(I love making lists)

• I will now have storage space and memory to edit photographs at lightening speed!
• I will be able to have more than one program at a time!
• Online shopping will be made effortless and breezy
• Mainly I just look really cool

Sometimes in the midst of all of this heart break, intense emotion, and just feeling flat out defeated, I can't imagine life moving forward. Then someone will book a wedding or a friend will send a text just at that moment, letting me know the whole world hasn't shunned or forgotten about me. This gift is one of the things that inspires hope and reassures me that my future is bright.

Thank you mommy and aunt joyce

for a gift that is more than a tool for my business

but is an encouragement to work harder

and push through because people care

and life is here for the having.

Instability in the car.

I wish I could hear the reactions of the people I pass on the highway. To hear what they are saying about that crazed woman! They have to be talking aboutme because I can sure feel them giving me looks. (and the occasional truck driver honk!)

Here I come roaring down the highway, windows down, giant sunglasses on, blonde hair whipping around, one knee up and singing at the top of my lungs. Practically doing some sort of karaoke performance with my facial expressions and seated dance moves. I am on the move.

(Only kidding with picture, this was taken a few weeks ago as Katelynd and were driving around in St. Elmo and found this abandond Barbie car in a trash pile. Impromptu photo shoot... are you kiddin! YES, PLEASE!)

Back to my story.
Usually the beginning of ride starts out pretty normal, I like to clean out my car and fill it with gas before hitting the road... then as time passes I become overly aware of my own thoughts. Memories and past experience are relived on 5 hour car ride alone, often provoked by the music. As I put on my best performance of "White Liar" by Miranda Lambert I was suddenly flooded by all of the lies I had been fed by the former.

There was once a time when I would wake up to him just staring me, he would say that I smiled while I slept and then sing the song "Goodmorning Beautiful" by Brad Paisly. Mainly these lyrics... (I will spare you the country music video today... since there isn't one for this song!)

"Goodmorning beautiful, how was your night?

Mine was wonderful with you be my side.

I open my eyes to see your sweet face and,

its a goodmorning beautiful day."

As quickly as I go to tears, I also ask how someone can so drastically change their mind about life and another person's life in just 5 and half years? I geuss when people say "your still so young" this is what they mean, because I just dont understand.

In the midst of my driving/country diva karaoke fest I stopped off at one of my favorite little spots in the world! Rugged Warehouse, specifically Bowling Green, Kentucky. I am not sure why ( maybe no one who lives in the middle of nowhere really understands the treasure trove this place is... but I DO!)

I found many gems among the rumble(mind you there is tons of it) but my favorite find of the day was a pair of 4.5" Madden Girl platform wedges.

Originally $70

Jaime's Price $10

The shoe gods are on my side as of late!

Happy (emotional and self discovering) travels!

Heeling Power

Yes, I meant Heeling, as in heels, HIGH heels.

The former always mocked me if I tried to wear heels, heaven forbid I not fit into his idea of what I should or should not be. Now in these few short months of being single and mastering the art of Man Repelling(to be discussed more in the future), I have come to love heels.

These would be a great example.

On a bit of side note, (stay with me though), a childhood friend of mine, Lori Button, just cut her first single "My Gay Boyfriend" and its worth listening to, you might even shake your ass and start to strut a little.

Last night I found myself walking with two of my bestests up to our friend who is a very talented graphic designer, you should check out his work here. As we approached our "Gay Boyfriend" he proclaims, "All of your shoes are RIDICULOUS!"

I think what he mean to say was, "Wow ladies, you have impeccable shoe selection and outfit styling abilities, why ever do you not live in a big city?"

Que country song...

The former is mean.

I am someone to be treasured.

Some things like high heels they hurt...

but over time with perseverance and

a group of good girl friends,

blisters turn to calluses and they heal.

Now I have realized that heels are empowering and

give me nothing but courage and hope for the future!

Life is a runway, so strut your stuff.

Flying Solo Fact #3

Loneliness can be your best friend.

The night before New Years Eve 2011 the former informed me, half way through a 5 hour car ride, that he no longer wanted a relationship with me (this being probably the 100th time) and that he wasn't going to take it back this time. I don't remember his words exactly anymore but they were strong and hurtful. I knew I was I loosing the battle to save my relationship with the man I loved.

Needless to say my eyes poured tears like the Ganges River and once we arrived home that evening, I took my car, packed a few things and I left alone. The next evening when NYE celebrations came around I realized I had little to no fight left in me. I forfeited trying to ring a new year, dedicated to companionship and new beginnings, and spent NYE without the former. That night 4 dear girl friends and I went out and went big. In the midst of a fabulous evening and many bottles of champagne I was slowly excepting my reality. I am alone.

This photograph was take that night by my dear Bethany. It perfectly captures that brief moment when I felt the peace of understanding that my new beginnings would not be with former but rather forging a life my self, what ever that meant.

Being alone, though it is painful like realizing you can't buy anything at Anthropologie after driving 2 hours to get there, is absolutely necessary. It is necessary for me to process what my situation is and to slowly become comfortable or at least okay with the fact that I am a "one" not a "two". Being a wedding photographer I travel a lot, in the car, alone and yes I listen to a ton of country music. Many of these long drives consist of long cries.

Though I hate being single, I would never go back to the abusive former. Though loneliness often gets the best of me, it is essential to be honest with myself. A significant relationship that was once alive is now dead and even though it prevails over me know it will be, in time, once dead.

Soon enough I will walk in and buy what ever I please ((need)) without hesitation.

Miranda Lambert. My love.

Girls get dolled up and then they go out.

Too bad we had a boy take this picture so he failed to get all of out epic cowgirl boots we were wearing!

There are many people out there who do not understand my undying love and obsession for country music. Just listen to this and you can understand why all of my theme songs come out of country music!

What else could there be to sing about other than my girl, my truck and my dog. GET. SO. REAL.

My ol'Kentucky Home!

Heidi came home to KY with me, I had an engagement shoot and just spent some quality time with my momma!

We went to get drinks at this insanely hip restaurant/art gallery/hotel called PROOF on Main.

Impromptu photo shoot... yes. please!

(everywhere and everyday)

This was my first time home as a single lady since 2004. Oddly enough my desire to move home was not as over whelming as I had expected. I love Louisville and I plan to live there later in life. I just know for now its not what I need. Moving home would be so easy, a place to heal and have my parents take care of me but I feel like moving home is the white flag I refuse to wave.

*Also please note the sexy 5.5" heels I picked up on the trip at the Zappo's Clearance Center, originally $160. I snagged those bad boys for $6 bucks! #winning

Flying Solo Fact #2

Its still me.

I am learning slowly that in the midst of a ton of emotions and confusion, I am still just Jaime.

This is one thing the former can't take from me.

A dear friend of mine, Katelynd, once said once told me that she looked through all of my Facebook photographs and realized two things.

1) I never repeat an outfit.

(This is true, I am not sure why it is so important to me, I suppose I like the challenge.)

2) I love themed parties!

( Also veeeery true, que Sombrero.)

Heidi, Katelynd(in Prague) and I on skype on Cinco De Mayo!

One more foundational belief

3) My friends make my life worth living.

RAR

I can not explain how much this mean to me. RAR (rachael) has been my best friend since 3rd grade and was the maid of honor in my wedding. Growing up we loved the song "Goodbye Earl" by the Dixie Chicks. We would sing it constantly, it was our anthem.

We adored the story of two girls who were always there for each other, no matter which direction life took them. The story of an abusive relationship had no meaning to us, until now.

RAR flew into Nashville and got us a nice hotel for a few days. Nothing more healing than a good friend and a glass of wine.

Best part of this glass of wine was our waiter, who when I started to order pointed his finger at me, looked me up and down and said "Girl..... You are sooooo....... DIVA"

BAH! hahahah THAT'S FUCKING RIGHT. thank you.

Highlights for the trip>

• 7 pairs of cow girl boots
• excessive sleeping
• excessive drinking
• being entirely too dressed up the whole time
• mid-day, mid-week, office park court yard photo shoot with an audience

But the real icing on the cake was singing "Goodbye Earl" on stage at a karaoke bar with RAR. In our cow girl boots and daisy dukes, we gave that crowd a run for their money and even had shots waiting on the bar for us when we were done!

So goodbye Former, you will be missed but for all of the wrong reasons.

It is O.K.

So you might be wondering where this fabulous camper is parked, that would be behind the house of my dear friend and artist heidi vasterling. The first night I drove the bago down the mountain I had been living on top of, I backed it up the long gravel drive in the dark with the help of my new room mates. That night we drank and sat on the top of the bago laughing, crying and looking up at the stars. Heidi spent the night with me that night and in the midst of intense emotional break downs I knew I had done the right thing. The support and love I have received from this woman is unmeasurable.

A night or two after I help solidify the name the "Vasterling Shelter" we went to city wide art show at AVA called "take art/leave art". Most people hung up something and then took something down... I well... I just took something.

My mantra became "It is going to be okay", with each deep inhale and exhale, my eyes swelled with tears and mumbled it to myself. Even in the moment when felt like a complete and utter lie, I knew I was telling myself the truth preparing myself for what is to come.

And the show goes on!

After leaving my former I was immediately faced with the fact that life just keeeeeeeeps on going. I was apart of a fabulous wedding expo done by HomeSpun Parties. I had a booth to advertise my wedding photography business and had to lock my emotional ass into gear! The booth looked great, I had an amazing group of girls to help me and I even booked a wedding that day. (The most expensive one I have booked yet! EEEEKS!)

This for me was the day I realized walking in the direction I wanted to go was my only real option. There would be no laying bed under a blanket of self pity for me.

There is life to be had I will have it in full, with a vodka tonic, thank you!

2 B ME

If there is one thing this photograph, that day and her have taught me its the value of just being yourself. Completely uninhibited by someone else's opinion if even for just a moment. This is a joy I lost for a very long time, its so hard to think that I was so consumed by the desperate need of approval from one person. The guilt and pressure I lived under has crippled me in the worst way but slowly with help of friends and the fleeting moments you see above I am learning how to just be.

Flying Solo Fact #1

While flying solo I have found myself living in a some what portable state, and by somewhat I mean... I live in a camper.

To be specific a 1982 Winnebago.

Its not the fanciest place I have ever rested my sweet little head but it is home for now. This picture was taken just 2 weeks after my escape from an extremely abusive relationship.

With a broken heart, much confusion, and hope on the frontier I am slowly moving forward. More now than ever the saying "one foot in front of the other applies". The idea to buy the bago (short for Winnebago) was originally my former husbands (the "former") and I thought it to be a terrible one. The thing looked like animals had been living in and had been being used as a tool storage shed for years. Let's be real honest, it looked like shit.

A few months after the initial proposal of $4000 we figured out a trade. I had totaled my car and receive a chunk of change to buy a new one. We first bought the "former" a truck for $1200 that only 6 months later we traded for this Bago AND a Toyota Paseo. That's right 2 for 1 you know I love a good BOGO (buy one get one) sale on anything!

To say the least we got the better end of the deal. So you could say I got the camper for $600 but only another six months later we sold the Toyota for $800. So I conclude this bad boy was purchased for approximately $400.

After a few coats of paint, a good scrubbing and a little love its probably the coziest place on earth.

Home sweet home.

and it came to pass...

In more ways than one. The idea for this blog was birthed out of the pure genius and wit of my dear friend over at Jank is Swank. There are two main happenings; first my love for all things weddings, mainly wedding blogs. One of my favorite being once wed. You see I am wedding photographer and I consider my countless hours looking at wedding blogs "research". Essentially every page scrolled and book marked is what I like to call "work".

Secondly there is this minor bleep in my life that was a once wed and is now a once dead. Lets call this my "Broken promises and new beginnings"!

The broken promises being those of my former husband, the little shit he is, and the new beginnings, being, well, this blog!

Can you tell he didn't mean a word he said that day? He sure as hell had me fooled. Who knew 5.5 short years later he would feel his primal need to spread his seed. Through the good, the bad, and the ugly that was said relationship I recorded very little. As an avid journel-er through my younger years, I am happy to be back in the game. Now on the path to healing and forgiveness I want to document every step of the way.

So heres to Once Dead, my new life and new beginnings.