26 before 27. >>> #3

 # 3 on my list of 26  goals to complete before I turn 27 is to legally change my name. You might think... REALLY< YOU STILL HADN"T CHANGED YOUR NAME??!?!?!? 

Well. Its true. Somethings seem so big and so overwhelming, I think its the emotional attachment not the actual work.  In the back of my mind I knew it would be a simple wait at the social security office and maybe a small fee. Still it seemed like I was asking myself to learn to fly or die. 

Turns out I love learning to fly! 

No longer carrying the name of the man who betray me. 

Free to dance and be and well, pronounce my name for everyone who tries to read it.

Let's say it together shall we? 

smi - leck

Jaime Leah SMIALEK
(Lee)

FULL STEAM AHEAD>>>

Its not always this way. 

Somedays still really fucking suck.

(like when I bust the heel of my brand new shoes while going a lil wild in Nashville shhhh.)

Though as time passes, somehow, it all hurts less and less and then other things hurt. I can barely remember how it felt when I used to feel like I would die and I knew I would never feel better. Somewhere along the road God gave me the gift of turning my mistakes and a very abusive and twisted relationship into fuel. This fuel launches me forward. Last year I was like a bottle rocket, unable to slow down, moving forward with speed and leaving a trail of glitter.  I launched my business, quit my job at the florist and well, I never looked back. (okay sometimes I look back but I only give myself a second then I put my blinders back on)

Out of extreme pain I managed to move forward with my life, and if I do say so my self... moved forward gracefully. Constantly reminding myself that no good would come from physically hurting the Former.

 No good would come from asking friends to choose sides after the split. No good would come from laying in bed, from feeling sorry for myself and no good would come from regrets.

 The good in my life comes from learning from my past, excepting my past, excepting me, loving myself for the first time in my life and recognizing my value and my voice.

Yes.
That's right.

You are valuable.

You have voice.

Better yet your voice is important.

If I could tell you anything, if I could tell old me (my therapist calls this Jaime January 2011) anything, I would tell myself that I am valuable and I have voice. To say it, even now, shakes my world.

Where did I learn otherwise?

26 before 27. >>> #1

1) business blog up and running

It has only taken me since October... but its finally up! I originally bought the hosting and template back at the beginning of October, I used the blog for a few weeks and then changed the domain. While changing the domain I really botched things up and lost the poor dude in cyber space! Then I got busy and extremely distracted.

It really is amazing what I can accomplish when I put my mind to it. Sit down. Give it my full attention.

What was once extremely over whelming and confusing is now a beautiful marketing tool and creative outlet. With this new business blog I hope to share my work, bits and pieces of my personal life (nothing like on here), to feature mostly photography but possibly a few lifestyle pieces also. 

I want it to be a place where people check in to see whats new. 

So cheers! To 1 of 26 goals completed. Its been a good year so far and I am eager to see what the rest of it holds.

"Show me some of that genetic moxie," he said.

When he said it I was instantly infuriated.
Livid.
Then I realized I actually had no idea what it meant.

 mox·ie   [mok-see] 

1. vigor; verve; pep. 

2. courage and aggressiveness; nerve. 

3. skill; know-how. 

 Its true, I have a genetic moxie. Its the part of me I am most proud of, the thing that was so crippled for so long. Though this path I am cutting out from the brush is consistently tangled and messy, I am learning to enjoy it.

The eb and the flow. The good and really fucking bad.

 I feel like I am holding back a secret. Like I know an answer that someone is looking for. I hold the key. I am the treasure at the end of the rainbow. I am very careful and calculated not to unleash it on just anyone. It must be just the right person.

26 before 27

1) business blog up and running
2) register both blogs on blog lovin
3) change my name LEGALLY
4) tn drivers license
5) tn car tags
6) start a business account
7) get my boat running
8) visit Jonlyn in Ashville, NC
9) clean out basement, getting rid of atleasat 1/2 the things I own
10) video of me on my business website for potential clients
11) read a good book
12) have 1000 Facebook fans
13) get my next tattoo
14) sew more often
15) coordinate and complete a styled shoot
16) get a new business license
17) be more active in life
18) design and create a packaging for finished discs
19) have an established savings account
20) have a photoshoot of me done, I need some good pictures of myself that aren't instagram!
21) live in a healthy and happy environment that I am proud of
22) make meditation apart of my life
23) be attending and involved in church
24) eat at St. Johns
25) to not view myself as the divorced girl, as wearing a scarlet
letter, the failure or hopeless but to be able to separate who I am as
a person from the things that I have been through
26) to be thankful for all of it

Stomach KNOTS

So since my last post my stomach never really settled. Its been super yucky and tied all up in knots. Every time I eat I get sharp pains, I feel weak, tired, hazy and like might vomit or pass out. I put out my feelers to see what might be going wrong and here are the response I have gotten.

-Gluten allergy - I have thought I have had a gluten allergy for over a year now, I have slowly cut it out of my diet, but when I cheat man I feel it. Not so much stomach pain as much as I just feel sorta gross. Since being sick a week and half ago I have laid off all gluten and meat... but still I am feeling awful.

-Anemia - I had a friend call after she heard about how I was feeling and she had a similar experience 3 years ago. She said that the doctor suggest it might have to do with extremely low iron in her blood. I am anemic, always have been and unless I take a little vitamin everyday my iron levels stay low. I think this could be the real answer so I am going to start taking the iron everyday for a while and wait it out. I think the intense vomiting last weekend my have messed up stomach and so now I need to level out my iron.

-Gallbladder - This same friend said that the doctor suggested a second option, that it could be her gallbladder. I have 3 or 4 people suggest that to me, I don't have health insurance so I want to look into some other things before going into the doctor, but it is something to be considered.

-Stomach ulcers - I dont think I have a stomach ulcer unless you get it from puking a lot. I should look into that.

-Depression/anxiety - I do have a lot on my plate right now, so I plan to exercise more and really take some time each day to breathe and think. To try and release some of this stress. I have had a couple of people mention that these can be symptoms of depression, even my therapist said that. BUT I don't feel depressed... I wonder if you can be depressed and not know it or be in denial of it??

It has officially been one year.

Saying that aloud, makes me want to vomit.

Literally.

I have been hugging the toilet for the last 18 hours.

Sick.

As.

A.

Dog.

and just plain sad.

I can't believe 52 weeks ago today I packed up my belongings, while my husband sat on the couch watching television, and loaded them into the Winnebago. The worst part about today is that I can't remember why I left, I cant remember it ever being bad, I cant remember the verbal abuse, the mind games, the lying, the constant chase for his approval or attention, I can't remember him not wanting me there, or treating me like shit. I know it happened but I just miss him so much.

I know we aren't supposed to compare pain, but I think would rather be a widow, than divorced. I am not sure I will ever be able to fully wrap my head around the amount of betrayal and rejection I feel.

Divorce is for the birds.

a whole year.