For the last three days I have been wanting to blog on this but its been like hidden in my head, I know its there but I can't find it. Now while watching a music video with my house mate Heidi it finally hit. In the midst of all of this chaos (either inflicted on me or created) I have the choice to sit there and understand.
In other words--> Be still and know.
These girls voices are unreal.
A little over 3 years ago, one of my dearest friends was in the middle of the mucky muck, with no idea of how to help I did what I do best. Give gifts. I made her a pair of earrings... I won't even TRY to explain because they will just sound ridiculous but they said "Be still" on one ear "and know" on the other.
From the outside of her situation I knew that chaos was everywhere and it was overwhelming.f Sitting here now I feel the same way. I feel manic. I feel emotional. I feel unsettled. I feel like I am reaching for something I can never ever grasp. Through all of this I am slowly realizing I am a bit of a loose cannon. As my therapist once said, "Hurt people, hurt people."
News FLASH>>>>>>>>>> I am so hurt.
But I do not want to hurt people. I have been wronged in one the worst ways a human can be wrong and at the slightest inclination of something I don't understand or think might hurt I am building fortress walls and then launching my and knocking them down with cannon balls. Also in the midst of a lot of uncertainty I often feel a bit worry and panic that I have no idea what the future holds. I am not quiet sure how I am going to pay next months bills I am not sure where I will be next week and I am just not quiet sure when the next time I am going to bust into tears in a public place is.
Sometime after I have those feelings another feeling comes... its then that I book another wedding or a friend calls and its then I realize that someone is looking out for me. I am not alone. I am single, however I am not alone.
All of these changes have me a bit worked up these last couple of days, I have a desperate need for a home base and I think I have been pushing those who are closest to me. Not away just pushing. I don't even understand how lucky I am to have friend who put up with my baby diva bull shit everyday and then have the heart to still want to talk to me.
I am starting (slowly) to understand that those worrisome feelings and those feelings of lack of control don't have to nearly as overwhelming as they have been. I have to ( and I strongly recommend) taking a deep breath, then be still and know.
hey lovebird-you're in my thoughts and prayers often. i've been seeing a christian counselor lately and she has been a huge, huge help to me in so many ways. it's not a quick fix, but it might really, really help you to process and heal. no matter what, know that you are greatly beloved, wanted, respected, treasured by all who know and love you, including the Lord. i know that the "former" treated you with the opposite. i know that the enemy wants you to believe you are discarded, unloved, unwanted, an inconvenience, especially because of how the former acted towards you, but those are straight up UGLY LIES. you are dearly beloved, dearly and deeply desired and desirable, and treasured beyond measure by the Father foremost and by the rest of us. you can find refuge, comfort and peace in His arms, my friend. all is not lost because He chose you to be His own. love you.
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