Flying Solo Fact #3

Loneliness can be your best friend.

The night before New Years Eve 2011 the former informed me, half way through a 5 hour car ride, that he no longer wanted a relationship with me (this being probably the 100th time) and that he wasn't going to take it back this time. I don't remember his words exactly anymore but they were strong and hurtful. I knew I was I loosing the battle to save my relationship with the man I loved.

Needless to say my eyes poured tears like the Ganges River and once we arrived home that evening, I took my car, packed a few things and I left alone. The next evening when NYE celebrations came around I realized I had little to no fight left in me. I forfeited trying to ring a new year, dedicated to companionship and new beginnings, and spent NYE without the former. That night 4 dear girl friends and I went out and went big. In the midst of a fabulous evening and many bottles of champagne I was slowly excepting my reality. I am alone.

This photograph was take that night by my dear Bethany. It perfectly captures that brief moment when I felt the peace of understanding that my new beginnings would not be with former but rather forging a life my self, what ever that meant.

Being alone, though it is painful like realizing you can't buy anything at Anthropologie after driving 2 hours to get there, is absolutely necessary. It is necessary for me to process what my situation is and to slowly become comfortable or at least okay with the fact that I am a "one" not a "two". Being a wedding photographer I travel a lot, in the car, alone and yes I listen to a ton of country music. Many of these long drives consist of long cries.

Though I hate being single, I would never go back to the abusive former. Though loneliness often gets the best of me, it is essential to be honest with myself. A significant relationship that was once alive is now dead and even though it prevails over me know it will be, in time, once dead.

Soon enough I will walk in and buy what ever I please ((need)) without hesitation.