Its like a time warp>>> I rejoice and then vomit.

So much has happened in the last three weeks,

I hate that I haven't been blogging, it honestly has a big impact on my life. This blog allows me to think out loud, to move forward and look back with new eyes.

It has been 8 and 1/2 months since I moved out of the Former's house and have been living life on my own, they have been hard and emotion but recently I have really felt okay, settled and some what at peace... until this jumble fuck of important days cam all strewn together.

and a few not so joyious conversation, with friends who want to tell me what the Former is up to... and I honestly feel my neck tighten up, the back of my head thump as I struggle to swallow and my heart sinks to bottom of my stomach pushing on my bladder, which then forces my whole life out of my butt.

It hurts so badly.

Then I cry,

My battle as of late is to stay focused... I feel sadness for the poor girl the Former has believing him. Even though I miss him with every once of my being and would do anything to have him back. I know going back to that life is not what is best. I know I have a whole life here for the taking that does not involve manipulation, guilt, shame, low self esteem, disillusionment, or someone telling me they love me when they really only love them self.

In slumps like these I lie to myself. I tell me self things I know are true but I don't honestly believe... Here is one for you...

There are men in the world who will love and appreciate me for who I am, they have the capacity to and will cherish my story not try to change it and value me as a beautiful, powerful, creative and caring woman.